10 Summer Depression Busters

Although my mood seems to be better with more sun, I understand why a substantial number of folks get more depressed in the summer. Extreme heat is hard to tolerate. In fact, in a study published in Science in 2013, researchers reported that as temperatures rose, the frequency of interpersonal violence increased by 4 percent, and intergroup conflicts by 14 percent.

There are four distinct types of people when it comes to weather and mood, according to a study published in Emotion in 2011.

• Summer Lovers (better mood with warmer and sunnier weather)
• Unaffected (weak associations between weather and mood)
• Summer Haters (worse mood with warmer and sunnier weather)
• Rain Haters (particularly bad mood on rainy days)

Ten percent of those diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder suffer symptoms at the brightest time of the year. The summer’s brutal heat, bright light, and long days can affect a person’s circadian rhythm and contribute to depression for the opposite reasons that winter conditions do.

If you’re a Summer Hater, or just notice that your mood is affected negatively by the heat, here are some summer depression busters that may help you better tolerate these months — maybe even enjoy them.

1. Plan Something Fun

You don’t need to plan some elaborate cross-country trip that’s going to deplete your savings. Just taking off an afternoon to have lunch with a friend or go kayaking by yourself can be a pleasant break and something to look forward to. When I was working through a severe depression, someone told me to plan something enjoyable every few weeks to keep me motivated to keep going. Scheduling fun activities sporadically throughout the summer might help carry you through some hot afternoons.

2. Be Around People

It can be as tempting to isolate yourself during the summer months as during the winter months, especially if you have body image issues and don’t like showing your legs and arms. But isolation breeds depression, especially if you’re a ruminator like I am. You don’t need to hang out poolside with a crowd of people in order to connect with friends. Sometimes just picking up the phone is enough to fend off depression and anxiety.

3. Add Some Structure

Summer is typically more relaxed, which is why some people look forward to the season all year. It’s nice not having to get the kids out of the door at 7:30 a.m., lunches packed. But those of us who are prone to depression do better when we have some structure to our day. If you don’t work outside the house, you may have to design this structure during the summer months and dig deep for the discipline to stick with it.

4. Stay on Your Sleep Schedule

Related to the last point, it’s easy to get off a regular sleep schedule in the summer if you don’t have anywhere you have to be at 7:30 in the morning. A few days of sleeping in feel great, but an aberrant sleep schedule is a slippery slope to depression for many of us. Even if the day’s events are changing from week to week, make sure to keep your sleep schedule the same: Go to bed at the same time every night, wake up at the same time every morning. Try not to sleep much less than seven hours and no more than nine hours a night.

5. Hydrate

Dehydration is one of the conditions I mentioned in my post 6 Conditions That Feel Like Clinical Depression But Aren’t. It sneaks up on you, because by the time you feel thirsty, you’re already dehydrated. According to two studies conducted at the University of Connecticut’s Human Performance Laboratory, even mild dehydration can alter a person’s mood.

Dehydration causes a shortage of tryptophan, an important amino acid that is converted to serotonin in the brain. Our bodies can’t detoxify when there is a shortage of water, so tryptophan isn’t distributed to the necessary parts of the brain. Low levels of amino acids in the body can contribute to depression, anxiety, and irritability. A good way to make sure you’re drinking enough is to calculate how much water you should be drinking based on your weight, height, and age, and then fill up two or three containers equaling that amount of water and stick it in the fridge each night before you go to bed. Each day, try to drink enough to empty the containers.

6. Eat Mood-Boosting Foods

It’s not uncommon to eat more sweets and drink fancy, fruity drinks during the summer. But sugar is poison to depression. For one, it causes spikes and drops in glucose, and your brain does much better when it has an even supply of blood sugar. Processed foods — those that come in pretty packages listing a bunch of ingredients you can’t pronounce — aren’t going to help your depression either. During these hot months, stick with foods that can boost your mood, like turkey, pumpkin seeds, fatty fish, walnuts, turmeric, dark leafy greens, avocados, berries, and dark chocolate. I try my best to be sure and pack some nuts and seeds if I’m going to a picnic because the average American picnic is not supplied with brain food. And even one day of eating processed junk, and especially sugar, will do a number on my mood.

7. Get to the Water

Hanging out near water is one strategy for calming down your nervous system that Elaine Aron offers in her book The Highly Sensitive Person. She writes, “Water helps in many ways … Walk beside some water, look at it, listen to it. Get into some if you can, for a bath or swim.”

I find this to be especially true during the summer. I love to run by the Severn River, or walk to Back Creek at the end of my street, or have my lunch on the dock by Spa Creek. I find that being close to the water does calm me down and reminds me what I like most about summer.

8. Avoid Diet Soda

It’s easy to grab a Diet Coke when you feel hot and thirsty, but a study by the National Institutes of Health (presented at the 2013 American Academy of Neurology meeting) showed that people who drink four or more cans of diet soda daily are about 30 percent more likely to be diagnosed with depression than people who don’t drink soda.

People with mood disorders are especially sensitive to the superficial sweeter aspartame in most diet sodas. In fact, a 1993 study conducted by Ralph Walton, MD, of Northeastern Ohio Universities College of Medicine found that there was a significant difference between aspartame and placebo in both number and severity of symptoms for people with a history of depression, but not so for persons with no history of a mood disorder.

9. Replace Your Depression Triggers

In their book Extinguishing Anxiety, authors Catherine Pittman and Elizabeth Karle explain that in order to retrain the brain from associating a negative event to a trigger that creates anxiety, we must generate new connections by exposure.

So, for me, I need to replace memories of depression relapses in the summer (which trigger anxiety for me during the summer) with positive summer events. One way I’m doing this is by getting involved in the kids’ golfing events. It gives me joy to see them learn a new activity and it generates happy memories of my dad taking my three sisters and me for a ride on the golf cart when we were young.

10. Try Something New

Summer is a great time to try a new activity. Ten years ago, when I was emerging from a severe depressive episode, I took a tennis class with about 20 other women. It was one of the best things I ever did to move past the depression. I still remember the evening that I thought to myself, in the midst of executing a volley, “I am going to beat this thing” (the depression, not the ball).

For the last few summers, I’ve tried new things: kayaking, paddle boarding, and open-water swimming. Each activity has helped my mood because it not only distracts me from ruminations, but the process of learning a sport gives me confidence. Neurologists have found that trying something new essentially rewires our brain. In the process of learning, our neurons become wired together.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

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Best of Our Blogs: June 23, 2017

There are certain things that need to happen in order for healing to take place. One of the first things is awareness.

Most of are stuck in our situations never believing there could be something better. Maybe we don’t think we deserve it. Maybe we grew up in similar households so it feels comforting even though it’s damaging. Maybe we don’t think we’re strong enough to do the hard thing.

But once we see light-from a kind friend, new opportunity or desire to change our lives for our children-we can never go back.

This is the first step towards our healing, empowerment and redemption.

No matter where you are on your journey, you can and deserve a better life. Thankfully our posts on coping with feelings of emptiness, narcissistic people, and letting go will help you begin the process of greater self-awareness, healing and ultimately self-care.

I feel Empty Inside -3 Fixes for Feeling Nothing
(Sext, Text & What’s Next) – This mindset shift will help you and your kids deal with difficult emotions from boredom to anxiety.

11 Ways to Set Boundaries with Narcissists
(Narcissism Decoded) – In a relationship with a narcissist? Then, you’ll need this.

Why Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers Sabotage Themselves (Daddy Issues, Part 5)
(Recovering from a Narcissist) – If you’ve struggled with self-sabotage, negative self-talk, and self-blame due to a narcissistic parent, this will help you thrive in spite of your upbringing.

100 Practices For Great Relationships
(Building Relationship Skills) – Do you have the signs of a healthy relationship? If not, you can cultivate it with this list.

Holding A Grudge: 5 Tips For Letting Go
(Relationship Corner) – If you think your anger is justified and serving you, think again. Release that negative energy with these steps and you will gain empowerment, freedom and peace.

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Free Webinar: How Mothering Helps Us Value our Flaws

We all have aspects of ourselves we would rather not know about. As kids, we may have been taught that it wasn’t okay for us to be bossy, selfish, angry, or boastful. By the time we are adults, we have tucked those traits away, and are adept at being “nice,” or “good.”

When we become parents, we may be dismayed to notice that our children act out our most despised qualities with gusto! In fact, those disallowed qualities are often full of vitality and authenticity. Seeing our child express these forbidden traits can help us reconnect with their positive aspects.

In this webinar, we will use fairy tales, dreams, memoirs, and clinical vignettes to explore how our kids can help us find the gold in those devalued and disallowed parts of ourselves.

Take Aways:

1. Often, the behaviors in our children that we find the most embarrassing or irritating relate to qualities or traits that we learned were not acceptable when we were children.
2. Seeing our children act out these qualities can be difficult, but can also provide a way for us to reclaim the positive aspects of these traits.
3. Many times, those parts of ourselves that we learned were unacceptable are in fact important for accessing a sense of joy and aliveness.

Presented by: Lisa Marchiano, LCSW

Lisa Marchiano, LCSW is a writer and Jungian analyst in private practice. She is interested parenting as a catalyst for personal growth, and she blogs on this topic at PsychCentral. She is a writer for PSYCHED Magazine, and blogs on Jungian topics at theJungSoul. She is on the faculty of the Philadelphia Jung Institute, and lectures and leads workshops nationally. Lisa has a particular fondness for fairy tales and what they can teach us about relating to our inner lives. You can visit her website, find her on Facebook, or follow her on Twitter @LisaMarchiano.

Date: Tuesday, June 27, 2017 from 8:00 – 9:00 PM (EST)

This webinar is a live, 45-minute seminar with a PowerPoint presentation followed by a Q&A moderated by Gabe Howard, host of The Psych Central Show podcast. There is no charge for the webinar.

Space is limited,
so signup today!

Space is limited so please register early. Thank you.

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Help Your Partner Understand You During an Argument

It starts with changing your behavior.

There’s no way around it: being misunderstood sucks. It can make you feel frustrated, upset, and hopeless. It can feel even worse in times of conflict.

Conflict isn’t easy. There’s hurt. There’s misunderstanding. And, at the same time, there are parts of us that are screaming to feel validated and understood. The problem for many of us is we have learned to communicate in a way that actually pushes our partners away from truly understanding us or meeting our needs. It’s common to see criticism or contempt in a relationship where partners feel disconnected and misunderstood.

How to Stop Simple Arguments from Turning into Major Drama

Ultimately, conflict is created by a lack of attunement. This is because one of our deepest needs is for others to understand, or attune to, us. This desire to be “seen” starts when we are young.

Take kids, for example: when they play hide-and-seek, they love to be found.

As adults, we crave to be seen in our rawness. To courageously allow another into our inner emotional world. This is why Brené Brown links vulnerability with wholehearted living because vulnerability allows us to be truly known by another. She also refers to vulnerability as the glue that holds relationships together.

But being vulnerable is no easy task. It’s much easier to blame or attack our partners for the problems in our relationship, rather than express how we are feeling.

For example, say your partner leaves the room when you get into an argument. Your gut response may be to blame and yell, “You’re a coward for leaving the room when we fight!” But if you took the more courageous, vulnerable route, you might instead say, “I feel scared and inadequate when you leave the room during our fight. My fear is that I’m not good enough for you to fight for. Is there a way I can bring up a conflict so you and I can work through it together?”

Can you see how easy it is to hide compared to how courageous it is to be vulnerable and seen?

When you speak in a gentle, open way that allows your partner to attune to you, you help them to understand why you feel the way you do. As a result, you feel more emotionally connected, which builds trust, increases intimacy, and makes sex oh so much better. Not to mention that when your partner understands your perspective, they are more willing to meet your needs as well as their own.

So how can you get your partner to attune to you during conflict and learn how to clear misunderstanding?

The first skill of attunement for the speaker is the “A” in A.T.T.U.N.E., and it stands for Awareness. By speaking with awareness, we mean that the speaker chooses words mindfully and avoids making the listening partner feel cornered or defensive. This then helps the listening partner open up to understanding because they are not under attack.

Here are three ways you can speak with more awareness:

1. Use “I” Statements.

An “I” statement reflects your feelings, perceptions, and experiences. Using the word “you” during conflict has the opposite effect: it points fingers at your partner’s feelings, behavior, or personality. And as the saying goes, whenever you point your finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back to you.

During a session, a client of mine I’ll call Tristan said to his partner, “You are so self-centered. You clearly didn’t think about how uncomfortable I felt sitting at Canlis (a fancy restaurant) all alone!” His partner instantly became defensive. “No, I’m not! I had to stay late to finish up the proposal for the meeting tomorrow so we can take our trip this weekend.”

When we paused and tried the discussion again — this time focusing on using “I” statements — Tristan’s tone changed completely. “I wish you had shown up to the restaurant on time,” he said. “I felt like a loser sitting there waiting for you next to the other couples sitting around our table. I even had a little kid staring at me like I was weird. I felt really lonely…”

This softer approach allowed his partner to relate to where he was coming from and find common ground. Her response? “It sucks to sit alone in a restaurant. I know that feeling. I’m sorry. I’ll make sure to be more mindful of the time.”

2. Focus On One Issue.

Since you have your partner’s undivided attention during your State of the Union conversation, it can be very tempting to lay out all of your relationship problems at once. But the more problems you try to air, the less likely they are to be solved. Instead, focus on one event and describe it like a journalist:

• “I would like you to take out the trash without me having to ask you to do it.”
• “I feel frustrated when you come home later than you say you will without checking in with me.”

How to Stop an Argument with Someone You Love Before It Gets Scary

3. Protect Your Partner’s Triggers.

In Stan Tatkin’s audio program Your Brain on Love, he states 11 facts about people in relationships. The seventh is “Romantic Partners are Responsible for Each Other’s Past.” Whether we like it or not, we are affected by the raw spots in our partner’s past, just as they are affected by ours.

These raw spots can escalate conflict if they are not cared for. Your partner’s baggage may be a source of irritation, but it’s unrealistic to expect them to drop their pain points and “change.” Instead, you can prevent conflict from worsening by working around their triggers with compassion.

Intimately knowing your partner gives you the superpower to love them compassionately despite their raw spots, or to severely hurt them with the knowledge you have. The latter breaks relationships, while the former builds them.

How you talk to your partner about issues in your relationship determines how effectively the relationship problems are resolved. If you want to change your partner’s behavior towards you, learn how to clear misunderstanding and start by changing your behavior towards them.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Help Your Partner Understand YOUR Side Of The Fight In 3 SIMPLE Steps.

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Some Thoughts on My Daughter’s High School Graduation: Go Forth Unafraid

Last week, my daughter graduated from high school. It was a bittersweet afternoon.

Happy, because it’s satisfying to think of the work that she’s done, sweet because it’s great to see the friends she’s made, and exciting to see her move forward. (Like that old joke, “That’s why they call it a Commencement.”)

Sad, because this ceremony marks an end. This time in her life, and in my life too, has come to a close. I always feel a sense of loss when things come to their end (even things I want to end).

During the ceremony, the school crest was projected on a giant screen above the graduates’ heads, and I got to thinking about the school motto.

I love maxims, proverbs, manifestos, mantras, teaching stories — anything that crams a big idea into a small space — and I’ve always been fascinated by school mottoes.

The motto of my high school was “Freedom with responsibility.” We talked about it often in school, and I still think of it, to this day. It’s a great motto for anyone, it’s a great motto for the United States, it’s thought-provoking and transcendent.

My daughter’s school takes a different angle on the school motto — it’s  “Go forth unafraid.”

As with my high school, the school talks about this motto often. Teachers lecture about  it, kids joke about it, it’s prominently displayed throughout the school.  It’s part of the school song: “We go forth unafraid/Strong with love and strong with learning…” It’s deeply embedded in the school culture.

For instance, the seniors have a tradition of the end-of-year “Count Down” celebration: as kids from younger grades look on admiringly, the seniors gather in the Senior Lounge with a big digital clock, and count down together to their final 3:15 p.m. dismissal time. I watched a video, and saw that as the last seconds slipped by, the seniors broke into the school song, and as 3:15 started to flash, they were all singing its last line at the top of their lungs: “Here we have learned to go forth unafraid.”

I’ve always loved this motto, and it never struck me more forcefully than during the graduation ceremony.

It prompted me to recall my daughter’s very first day of pre-school. As I stood in the corridor  with the other parents, all of us struggling to say good-bye to our children, the head of the school said to me gently, “This is the first of many times that you will say good-bye to your child.”

And as hard as it was to let my three-year-old daughter walk through that brightly decorated door, I was so happy when she marched ahead, interested and eager, to explore her new classroom.

And as I sat in the audience and watched all the seniors receive their diplomas, I thought, “As hard as it is to see this time come to an end, I’m happy, too, and what I want most for my daughter and all these kids is for them to go forth unafraid, strong with love and strong with learning.”

And as I sat in the audience, and searched for my daughter’s mortarboarded head among the crowd onstage, I recalled that three-year-old girl going to school for the very first time — and remembered something else from those days.

Back then, she and I rode the bus to school, and I wrote a little video story about that bus ride, called “The Years Are Short.” Of everything I’ve ever written, this one-minute video has resonated most with people, and its truth, for me, has never struck me more forcefully. In my daughter’s childhood, some days seemed interminable, but the years have passed in a flash.

That three-year-old pre-schooler has become an eighteen-year-old high school graduate.

Now what?

Go forth unafraid.

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A Rhey of Hope

iFred is proud to announce a new Ambassador of Hope. Miss Wisconsin, Kaitlyn Rhey, currently in the running for Miss America, plans to raise awareness and end the stigma of depression and anxiety, both of which she personally experienced as a teen. The 23-year-old is pursuing a Master’s Degree in Nursing and wants to educate youth that it is OK to talk about mental health, and that anxiety and depression are treatable.

The problem is widespread and urgent. A new study just released by RAND presents this startling statistic: 36% of all young women either have had or currently have depression. What’s more, among young women, suicide is also now the leading cause of death. This is tragic, and reversible, as depression is treatable and suicide is preventable. Early intervention is needed to counteract this trend.

Learning to hope

Kaitlyn, using her platform, is reaching out to Pre-school and Elementary School students with lessons from iFred’s Schools for Hope program, a curriculum of lessons and activities, that educate children on being hopeful. Kaitlyn is also taking lessons to the Middle Schools, teaching adolescents about actions that can create a hopeful attitude. Students will define hope, learn the importance on giving back, and set realistic goals towards hopeful pathways. She also is working to engage the communities and other nonprofit organizations by planting sunflowers and to raise awareness and posting signs to educate the community on the need to shine a positive light on this important issue.

Kaitlyn shares her experience teaching hope, “I have found the Schools for Hope curriculum to be a useful tool in developing and working on my platform. The lessons have allowed me to talk with our youth about mental health in positive ways, the meaning of success, how to become resilient, and ways to create hopeful pathways in life.

There has been a tremendous response from the students I have worked with in both elementary and middle schools. One school had the children write letters explaining why they wanted to plant sunflowers, and their responses amazed me. Some students felt comfortable sharing their stories with me, others expressed they need positivity in their life, and some even described having symptoms of depression and anxiety themselves. My goal is to let them know that no matter their situation, they can create their own hope, and it’s okay to talk about their feelings. This experience for me has demonstrated how necessary it is to discuss mental health at an early age, and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to work with iFred, helping our youth with mental health.”

Kathryn Goetzke, iFred Founder, says, “We are thrilled for Kaitlyn to get on board and help work with the youth as an Ambassador. She is reaching out to young kids with our curriculum for Hope, a skill based on research that it is teachable and, we believe, key to prevention. We know that having an advocate like Kaitlyn, with such a public platform and media spotlight, shows young women it is OK to talk about and if necessary, seek treatment, ultimately ending stigma so people get treatment. We absolutely must reverse these trends we are seeing today, and courageous leaders like Kaitlyn, using platforms for social good, help us get closer to that goal.”

Schools for Hope is a new curriculum project developed by iFred, the International Foundation for Research and Education on Depression. It is based on research that suggests hope is teachable. The program is focused on prevention through practical tools and exercises. Kaitlyn Rhey is using the curriculum and you can too. It is a beautiful project, but you don’t have to be a beauty queen to get involved! Join us in teaching kids by downloading the free curriculum, with 10 lessons, and share them at your church, with your girl scouts, at your school, or at home. For more information go to schoolsforhope.org. Help shine a light on depression.

Vote for Kaitlyn today going to the Miss Wisconsin Website. Each vote is $1, and people can vote as many times as they want. The contestant with the most votes will be guaranteed the 11th spot in the finals and a $600 scholarship.

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Why Men Give Up Their Identity in a Relationship

Over the past 30 years of working as a psychologist with men doing individual and group therapy, I have often seen men struggling to maintain either the romance or friendship or both in their intimate relationships. It’s a subject I’ve been investigating and exploring for much of my professional and personal life. I’ve often noticed my men clients complaining about their relationships in a way that is troubling. Why is my wife so controlling? I feel like I never do things right by her, and she always finds something to criticize; is there such a thing as the-glass-is-always-half-empty syndrome?  It feels like she doesn’t appreciate me. She controls what restaurants we go to and where we go on vacation. Why doesn’t she value my input on how to raise our kids? I don’t know why I have to send the kids to private school; it puts so much pressure on us financially. I didn’t want to travel for one of my two-week’s vacation with my wife’s parents. I don’t know how to make her happy.  

When these same men come into therapy as a couple, 85 percent of the time, they will turn to their partner and ask, “What did you want to talk about?”  Even though there is usually something bugging or troubling them, they’re reluctant to talk about it. They choose not to mention a recent conflict or an objectionable quality about their partner, and instead, they take to the sidelines, either denying it or avoiding it, faultily thinking it will go away. They have such fear of confrontation, anything but that!  

Despite the progress being made dispelling myths and eliminating stereotypical gender roles, much of society still perpetuates the idea that women are in charge of the child-rearing and dealing with any relationship problems that come up at home and in the therapy office. We see this dynamic played out in movies, sitcoms, TV commercials, and even t-shirts reading “My only boss is my wife.” Many married, heterosexual men feed into this idea by joking about their “old ball and chain” or being kept “on a leash,” or “happy wife, happy life.”  This is not only a distorted and unfair characterization of men and women but a kind or rigid relationship role-playing whose paradigm was supposed to have gone out of style back in the 60’s. 

Good relationships these days are more about equality. They involve give and take, strength and vulnerability, independence and closeness. However, both men and women sacrifice a lot when they give up too much of themselves for “the sake of the relationship.” When either partner forgoes their individuality, the relationship itself loses steam. This lack of vitality in a marriage is what inspires many couples to seek therapy.

While a lot of men complain about deferring to the women in their lives, they don’t always recognize the ways they’re drawn to, seeking out, or contributing to this dynamic. Some men find it more comfortable to feel directed or taken care of by their partner. They ask, “Where do you want to go on vacation? Eat? See a movie? etc.” They don’t realize it, but they’re actually actively giving up a part of themselves that is vital, independent, and attractive to their partner.

Writer, poet Robert Bly, offered insight into this phenomenon. He observed from his work with men that many boys growing up are more sensitive and able to care about their partner’s feelings and health. They are better at sharing in domestic responsibilities such as childcare and household chores. They may be more emotionally attentive to others, and yet, they’re not always in tune with their own life energy, the life-giving, wild side of themselves (not to be confused with the savage side of man). He explores this very cleverly in his book Iron John.  They may lose touch with their unique initiative, ideas, and passion, and ironically, these are often the traits that drew their partner to them in the first place.

David Finch, captures this best in his book titled How to be a better husband: One Man’s Journal of Best Practices.  A few years after publishing the book, Finch told the following story, while speaking at a conference.  He described how he was just about to take off for a speaking gig and while saying goodbye to his wife, she told him that the marriage was over.  Finch was stunned (and thinking at the time, wasn’t I the guy who had a bestseller on being a great husband?), but he couldn’t address the shock and discouragement he felt at the time. Although he was freaked out, he had to leave on his work trip .Here he was, a guy who really thought he had figured out how to make his wife happy, who believed he was in the “happy wife, happy life” phase of his life, and now he had to face that his marriage was over.  While he was away, he felt pretty bad and obsessed about what had gone wrong in his marriage. 

Finch returned home feeling really deflated. As soon as it was possible, he spoke with his wife. She explained that what she really meant was that their marriage, as it had been, was over, and that she wanted a different kind of marriage.  He was greatly relieved to realize that it was their relationship dynamic that, in his wife’s view, had to change, and the marriage was still alive, even if it was on “life support.” He found out that his wife wanted their relationship to be very different than it had been.  She told him that she found him far too focused on fulfilling her desires and needs and, in the course of doing that, had forgotten aspects of his own identity. She found their marriage had become routine and predictable. It seemed that the more Finch focused on pleasing her, the more she lost touch with her attraction and interest in him. Where was he, the person?  She missed the collaboration, energy, and unpredictability, agreeing and disagreeing, but having two points of view, not having her point of view always trump his. She wanted what mattered to each of them individually, the things they were really passionate about, to go on mattering, and she believed that the dynamic recipe was made up of sharing life and being strong and feeling individuals.  This was the vitality or wildness that was missing for her, the adventure of two people finding their way down and through the stream of life.

Because Finch is such a revealing and entertaining speaker, he was able to present his marital struggles in a humorous light. But what he captures in his personal story is the importance of being alive and true to yourself as well as to another.  The goal for any two people in a relationship, regardless of gender, is to be equal and adult. To be life-generating, involves knowing yourself, your passions, your wants, your feelings, including what you like and dislike. It doesn’t mean being selfish, rigid, or controlling, but it does mean, sometimes saying no and standing your ground. It’s possible to be vulnerable and available without giving up important parts of who you are, and this is the ultimate struggle for any two people who choose to intimately share their lives.

For many people, this disconnect from themselves comes from lessons learned in early childhood. For example, a good number of men I’ve worked with grew up without a father with whom they could identify. Their mother may have been more accessible or felt more emotionally safe. These boys developed a stronger identification and connection with their mothers than with their fathers. In some cases, their mother taught them how to respond and take care of her or the family’s needs. Some of these men described this relationship as giving them more confidence; even feeling they had an advantage over other men, in terms of being able to be more sensitive and attuned to a future girlfriend. 

Of course, any mother-son or parent-child relationship will influence a person’s budding sense of identity and future relationships. One study found that a healthy relationship between a mother and son directly affects his sense of morality and ability to have healthy romantic relationships as an adult. However, if that relationship is more strained or the mother has a more critical view of her son or men in general, the son often internalizes these attitudes toward himself. In addition, if he had a father who seemed weak-willed, emotionally vacant/distant, or too critical and punishing, or if he had no father figure at all, he may struggle with his own identity and the concept or expectations surrounding masculinity.  

While I’m not personally advocating or even identifying certain characteristics as “masculine” or “feminine,” most people are being raised or have been raised in homes with limiting, even hurtful attitudes or expectations surrounding their gender.  The distorted views of masculinity that some of the men I’ve worked with were exposed to as young boys left them feeling suspicious of the masculine. Some described adopting their mother’s fear or distrust of men or taking on the guilt of their father’s absence. Many described feeling either guilty or ashamed of their maleness, or on the flip side, thinking they had to constantly prove themselves and become workaholic providers.  As a result, they grew up struggling with their personal identity as a man.  

As adults, most of these men possess important traits of sensitivity and attunement to others, but they lack gumption when it comes to expressing themselves. They’re hesitant or unwilling to be bold or take initiative. They may date people who are more controlling or seek direction from their partner or spouse, even when she or he isn’t trying to take the reins. These men often struggle with connecting to their own convictions or their anger, and they find it especially challenging to express their point of view directly.

The work in therapy, for these men ,has been for them to find their way in their relationships. They have to identify ways they may put themselves down or keep themselves “in their place.” They should explore any negative or distorted associations they have around the concept of “masculinity.” They need to determine for themselves what it means to be who they really are — to feel strong and self-possessed, sensitive and attuned — both toward themselves and toward those close to them.

For me, it was a combination of men’s groups, therapy, male mentors, and my male friendships that helped me come to feel more comfortable and confident as a man. It is from this place that one can experience all that that embodies: being able to access one’s natural wildness, openness to adventure, the capacity for serious focus, the ability to recognize and express the full range of feelings, sensitivity to others, knowing and expressing one’s wants, and saying “no” when one feels like it.

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9 Simple Ways to Foster Long-Term Friendships

Keep your friends close.

The benefits of friendship are extensive: Friends help you experience more life satisfaction, thrive in the midst of challenges, and even live longer.

Researcher Robin Dunbar found that most people have circles of friends — the 5 people who are the closest to them, then 15 who are the next-closest, 50 who are the next-closest, and 150 who are least close (Dunbar found that humans can manage 150 relationships at most).

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While today people may have many more social contacts (through Facebook and other means) than ever before, they also have far fewer close confidants with whom they can discuss important matters. (The number of Americans who say they have no close confidants has tripled in recent decades).

However, nearly all the well-being — health, happiness, and longevity — that friendships provide comes from the 5 to 15 people closest to you, not the full 150. Research suggests that those who strive for affinity (the drive to deepen and build close relationships) tend to be happier, healthier, and less depressed than those who value popularity (the drive to have more friends).

Here are nine ways to strengthen friendships with your 5-to-15 closest friends:

1. Make Face Time.

Spending real time with friends can “fire up your nervous system and trigger the release of feel-good neuropeptides called endorphins,” and even boost your immune system. In their analysis of very happy people, Ed Diener and Martin Seligman found that very happy people tended to have strong ties to close friends and family and were committed to spending actual face time with them. However, it’s still tough for a lot of people to make the effort to spend time together.

As friendship researcher Rawlins writes:

“Friendships are always susceptible to circumstances. If you think of all the things we have to do — we have to work, we have to take care of our kids, or our parents — friends choose to do things for each other, so we can put them off. They fall through the cracks.”

Research suggests that spending time with friends (or even anticipating uplifting events with friends) helps people feel less depressed. Face-to-face socializing has been found to be more powerful than phone calls and emails in guarding against depression. FaceTime with friends is also important because research suggests that the more time and effort you invest in friendships, the more you become committed to maintaining the relationship, which drives more closeness and helps the friendship persist through ups and downs.

A mud run, Taco Tuesday, opening night of a new movie, kayaking in the lake, Friday night drumming circle, weeknight baseball game — plan fun and different things to do with friends. Be the organizer, and get things on the calendar. Also, consider setting up a standing date with friends, such as a once-a-month poker night, dinner club, or brunch.

2. Send Positive Text Messages.

Like these:

• “How’s that hard thing going?” or “How did it go with your dog training lesson?” or “How’d your mom’s surgery go?” or “How was the test?”
• Congratulations texts.
• Holiday texts.
• Funny memory or old photo text: “I was just thinking about that time we dressed up like the four seasons for that Halloween party. Can you believe we did that?”
• “What are you up to?” texts.

3. Touch Base at Least Once Every 15 Days.

Don’t let months go by without seeing friends. One study revealed that friends whose relationships persist tend to touch base at least once every 15 days.

4. Call Your Friends Back.

Call friends back within 24 hours of them calling you. Analyzing phone calls between 2 million people, researchers found that one leading cause of persistent relationships is reciprocity, or returning a friend’s call.

5. Send Cards (and Personalize Your Holiday Cards).

Send thoughtful and personalized (snail-mail) cards, including get-well cards, congratulations cards, and thinking-of-you cards. Also, research suggests that while non-personalized holiday cards (including those with informative form letters) do not promote relational maintenance, not sending one may have a negative effect on relational maintenance.

This research also suggests that people believe holiday cards with a personalized note (especially something meant only for that recipient) maintain and strengthen friendships better than those without one, likely because the recipient feels special because of the extra effort and disclosure of personal information.

6. Help Friends Celebrate Positive Events.

When a friend graduates, buys a new house, has a baby, gets a promotion, etc., help them celebrate. Give them a small gift, take them out to dinner, or just call and ask them to tell you all the details.

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7. Support Friends Through Tough Times.

One of the top-three qualities people look for in friends is supportiveness. Having friends present or available to you during tough times can help you cope better. One study suggests that having a best friend present for negative experiences buffers their stressful impact. Another study showed that texting with people during their surgery can actually reduce patients’ pain.

Support your friends by:

• Planning a visit at an appropriate time after a tragedy or hard event.
• Showing up to a wake or memorial service if a friend’s loved one passes.
• Providing in-kind support, such as delivering a meal or babysitting.
• Sending a thoughtful item, such as a prayer rock, bubble bath, or adult coloring book.
• Listening and providing space for your friend to share their feelings.

8. Comment On — Don’t Just “Like” — Their Social Media Posts.

Make it a point to comment on your closest friends’ posts. Direct interaction on Facebook, including comments, is associated with greater feelings of bonding and social capital, and decreased loneliness.

9. Remember Their Birthdays.

Call close friends on every birthday and send a card. And take them out if you can; 85 percent of Americans reported feeling special when someone puts a lot of energy into celebrating their birthday.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: People Who Keep Friends FOREVER Do These 9 Things Consistently.

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I Chose Not to Medicate My ADHD — Here’s Why

A white room.

The day I was diagnosed, they brought me into a (not kidding) white room with a metal table. There was a machine at the head of the table. The machine kind of reminded me of a shrunken MRI scanner, but I didn’t have much of a chance to study it.  

I laid down, and they put wires all over my head and my chest. The wires were gooey (“How am I going to get that out of my hair?”). Mom had kept me awake for most of the night, so when they told me to go to sleep, and I was out like a light. I was eight years old.

Mom had resisted getting me tested, despite my teachers pushing for it. I was easily distracted, day-dreamed, and (let’s face it) I was a weird kid. Mom didn’t want to try to “diagnose” what she believed was simply boredom. Yet, my behavior didn’t change.

I began disliking school, and had a hard time keeping up. I would go to the back of the classroom to read for undetermined amounts of time. Whoops, I just missed a good chunk of the math lesson. Again. It turns out, when they put those wires all over my head, they were actually testing me for petit mal seizures.

Instead, it was good ‘ole ADHD.  

Medication merry-go-round, or The Joy of Side-Effects.

They began medicating me when I was 10. I wanted the meds, because I thought that taking this pill would make me a good student. I started on Adderall. I immediately felt motivated and productive. For a few days.

Then the side effects came in: anorexia, insomnia, mood swings. I was in a fog. The most I ate in one sitting was a slice of cold pizza. It seemed like an enormous amount. I gained a mere pound that year. I could suck my stomach all the way to my spine; that was pretty cool, even if it did upset my pediatrician. Still, I was so exhausted that I crawled up the stairs at home.

I was switched to Concerta, which was fine, I guess. I didn’t feel like myself. My teachers claimed they saw improvement in me, but I felt like I was seeing everything through a film.

Lastly, I was moved to Strattera. I saw commercials for Strattera on TV, so I was excited to try it. Once on it, though, I felt the same as I did on Concerta. At the age of 16, I made the executive decision to stop taking my meds.

What happened next?

Other than feeling like myself again, nothing. I worked at a daycare during high school. After graduating, I worked part-time as a receptionist throughout college. I graduated with my Bachelor’s Cum Laude. I got a good job two weeks after graduation. I’m married, and now work in the city while balancing side gigs and hobbies.  

Was the diagnosis wrong? I wondered for years. For some time, I thought that the teachers just wanted me zonked out on meds so I would be less of an annoyance. The memories of the side-effects are still vivid. But so are the symptoms.

I leave the oven on when I leave the house. I don’t hear important instructions at work. I always have a million tabs open on my browser. I get so involved in my day-dreams that I don’t even register that someone is speaking to me (not even after repeated attempts). Even if I resolve to complete a task, I’ll look up to realize that I’ve wasted 30 minutes just putting stickers on my hands. I’ve resigned that I have ADHD.

Holding it together.

I have a coworker who also has ADHD. She says she wishes she was diagnosed at a young age like I was. For years, she didn’t know what was wrong with her. She medicates, and it has transformed her productivity and focus. I guess we all need to find our magic bullet.

I’ll admit, some days my symptoms are so bad that I consider medicating. But there’s a block there. I just can’t. I’ve even tried the natural stuff: herbal remedies, dietary adjustments, caffeine… no change.  

At my worst, I often don’t realize that I’ve made a mistake until it’s revealed later. Sometimes my mind feels like a minefield. I’m wandering through, wondering when I’m going to step on a bomb, e.g. a mistake that I’ve made that I didn’t know about. It’s a terrible feeling, but I’d rather have that than go back on medication. Perhaps it’s irresponsible of me. Ok, then. I’ll own that label.

A plus side

Having ADHD definitely has its drawbacks. Missing the obvious all the time can be dangerous. However, for all that I miss, I balance myself out. When I’m interested in something, I can lock-in and absorb for hours. Yes, actual hours. And that kind of laser-focus can last for days, weeks, maybe months. When I’m engrossed like that, I feel like Neo in the Matrix: “I know Kung Fu”. I call it my superpower.

Without medication, I can take ownership of my life and my mis-wired brain. I write down thoughts as they pop into my head so I can remember them later, instead of getting distracted at work. I try to be kind to myself; I’m as kind to myself as my environment allows.

My husband is sympathetic, and I’m grateful for that. I’m afraid that my kids will struggle like I have. If they do, and they want a prescription, we will consider it. Finally, I use a planner — just the kind Mom tried to get me to use in school.

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Special Needs

My autistic son has had dozens of doctors, therapists, intervention specialists, teachers, aids, coaches and camp counselors, and most of these individuals and their programs have been very helpful for Tommy. Nine years of special attention have been good for him. He went from an anxious child with behavior problems, with average grades to a more confident 12-year-old who won the citizenship prize at school, with straight As and an Honor Roll certificate.

In getting Tommy “up to speed,” it took many helpers.  My husband and I owe much to them.  In fact, there is no way to repay them.  They chose to help Tommy because they saw promise and good in him.  They nurtured him, and he bloomed in their presence.  These people were so fine that they enabled Tommy to be mainstreamed in school with so-called “normal” children.

But there were some programs and “helpers” who were counterproductive.  These, in many ways, are more compelling to examine than the ones who contributed to Tommy’s success.

Where and with whom did Tommy fail? And what did Tommy fail at?

Tommy didn’t do well at extracurricular places that were designed for typical kids. In the end, this is not a bit surprising.

For instance, he attended a local summer camp when he was about six.  This turned out to be a disaster because there was no one there who knew how to handle a child with special needs.  In short, he misbehaved, and they kicked him out.  There was zero tolerance for children who made mistakes.  We didn’t realize this when we enrolled Tommy, but we sure knew it when they were finished with him.  The camp’s rejection of Tommy stung bitterly.

Another place that Tommy failed at was also a place for typical children. It was a local art school. The teachers at this school were very young and had no experience handling a special needs child. There wasn’t enough structure, and Tommy slowly lost interest in making art at this locale. We removed him. Another bitter sting.

Tommy’s father signed him up for basketball at our church—another mainstream venue. (You’d think we’d get the point that Tommy needed to be enrolled in special programs to succeed, but that concept took ages to sink in.) Tommy didn’t do well. He was so anxious on the court that his father had to stand next to him while he tried to learn how to shoot and dribble. This too was painful.

Then, we tried karate. Oh, how he hated this. The karate school, again, was not designed for special needs kids. The place just wasn’t created for children with his kind of brain. Ouch!

There was one school we tried where I’m sure Tommy could have succeeded if they would have made accommodations for him. This was a dance school. Tommy doesn’t like loud noise, and the dance teachers cranked the music up super high, rock concert high. Tommy couldn’t tolerate it.  We had to withdraw him. Ouch, again.

What did we learn from all of our mistakes? We had an atypical child. He needed to be in atypical schools and programs or at least with leaders and/or teachers who understood autism and how to work with an autistic child.

So what programs worked for Tommy? There were several, but the two below were very important for him.

The All-Star Training Club in Akron, Ohio. This sports club for special needs as well as typical children and adults did and continues to do wonders for our son. In this club, Tommy has participated in soccer, bowling, golfing and cross country as well as gone to summer camp. He’s been in this group since he was five-years-old, and in this environment, Tommy thrives.

Center for Applied Drama and Autism (CADA) in Akron, Ohio. This drama school knows how to teach autistic children. Tommy has been a member of this center for about three years.

So my advice to you, dear reader, is if you have a special needs child, don’t hesitate in enrolling him or her in special needs programs. You child will probably be much more successful. And you’ll be much happier.

And at the end of the day, the success and happiness of you and your child is what it’s all about.

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