A Counterintuitive Approach to Your Irritable Teen

Some things about raising teens are counterintuitive. Like knowing that when they’re irritable or angry and you feel rejected, it may not work to tell them you feel hurt by how they’re treating you. And knowing that if you tell them you feel bad about a mistake you made that affected them, it may ruin the positive effect of taking responsibility.

Revealing vulnerable feelings can backfire in certain situations and bring on or exacerbate irritability and anger in teens. Such feedback is typically a good thing and serves to repair or deescalate conflict in relationships. Saying that you feel bad about how you affected the other person is often an essential part of an apology that works. And making people aware of the impact they’re having on you when they’re lost in their own reactions can allow them to see your humanity and “come to,” as well as help kids develop emotional intelligence when empathic skills are needed. But with certain teens and parents, it can be a different story.

Tyler, 17, was a good-hearted kid and well liked, especially by adults. Battling with anxiety and ADHD, Tyler was easily frustrated, overwhelmed, and susceptible to feeling like a failure. At home, he could be irritable and withdrawn — frequently overreacting when feeling exposed, mistrusted or challenged in any way. Though there was a strong love and mutual attachment between Tyler and his mom, he often seemed annoyed with her, which made her feel rejected. Keenly aware of his vulnerability to feel demoralized, and sensitive herself to Tyler’s reactions, his mom often tiptoed around difficult topics.

One day, when Tyler’s mom was dropping him off at the airport for a weekend trip, she was uncertain about where she could pull the car over. Sensing Tyler’s stress and impatience, she became flustered. Tyler responded to all of this with impatience and annoyance, “Turn on your brain, mom, it’s right over here.”

“That’s very mean and hurtful, Tyler.”

“OMG — you’re so sensitive — it’s pathetic!” Tyler shot back, escalating as he opened the car door to get out.

Understandably, Tyler’s mom felt mad and offended when her son reacted this way. In telling the story, she expressed some resentment over the unfairness of it, especially since Tyler would never react this way to his dad in the same situation. However, Tyler did not experience his dad as particularly breakable.  

Why did Tyler’s mom’s feelings trigger him?

Shame and difficulty with self-regulation

Emotionally tuned-in parents can empathize too much and over-identify with teens’ emotional distress — making it easy to take teens’ reactions personally and come across as fragile. This dynamic causes teens to feel too powerful — in a negative way.

At other times, they see themselves through their parent’s worried eyes and either feel put down and mad, or take it as confirmation of their own fragility. In this example, when Tyler experienced his mom as too sensitive, too close or too worried about him, he became more irritable and angry.

Tyler’s mom was empathically linked to her son’s vulnerability, resulting in a vicarious emotional connection between them. When there’s a permeable emotional boundary, or when parents seem vulnerable, awareness of parents’ feelings can have an additive effect and further overwhelm teens.

Here, Tyler’s mom’s sensitivity activated the feelings of shame and insecurity that Tyler struggled to disown and keep at bay. He was already aware that he was being hurtful and hated himself for that. When his mom brought her hurt into focus and Tyler couldn’t distance, he experienced himself as bad and out of control — further disrupting his already compromised ability to regulate himself.

But if he feels bad, why does Tyler act angrier?

Anger as a defense against shame

In the case of struggling teens, focusing on their hurtful impact on you reinforces shame along with the need to defend against it. People will go to great lengths to ward off the intolerable experience of shame — a feeling of badness about the essence of who you are that makes you want to disappear. Anger and blaming others is a common defense against shame. This unconscious strategy effectively banishes shame for the moment by projecting it onto someone else and exposing them as the bad one. So if the goal is to help adolescents take responsibility for their behavior and behave differently, parents will fail if they approach teens in a way that reinforces defensiveness and exacerbates the reason they acted out in the first place (emotional dysregulation, need for distance, shame).

If parents are not perceived as strong enough to hold their own in the face of teens’ negative mood without getting injured (or retaliating), teens can experience themselves as destructive – fueling both anger and shame. This dynamic makes it harder for teens to own their anger and progress beyond it, even in situations when their irritability is simply that they’re mad at their parent about something.

Then what should parents do when teens are irritable or disrespectful?

When irritability escalates into being explicitly disrespectful, the objective in the heat of the moment is “simply” to contain the escalation and not make things worse. Parents can do this by disengaging and setting a limit that’s brief and to the point. For example, “I’m not going to respond to that” or “I’m going to take a break from this conversation” (and exit the situation if possible).

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Having a Healthy Relationship When Your Partner Has ADHD

It’s worth it, but you need to know this.

Are you in a relationship with someone who has ADHD or ADD?

This is a question that I have been pondering recently.

A few months back I had to break up with someone who I loved very much because he was making me unhappy. I have spent a lot of time since then very angry and hurt because I felt like he didn’t even try.

And then, this week, I was doing some research on Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) for a client and it hit me — my man could very well have ADD!

The resulting behaviors made staying with him very difficult for me. And I am sure those same behaviors make living life very difficult for him. Maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t try but that he couldn’t try.

I have learned that many people are unaware of the devastating impact ADD can have on relationships. I want to share with you what I have learned and what loving someone with ADHD is like:

1. Accept That People with ADHD Are Different.

People who struggle with ADHD are very different from those who don’t. In order to love and someone who has ADHD, it is important to understand what ADHD looks like:

• They can’t just “do it”.
  For those of us who don’t have ADHD, we can usually get something done when we buckle down, determined to do it. People with ADHD just can’t do that. They can, and do, try but often a bright shiny object distracts them and the task at hand evaporates.
• They tend to live on the edge.
  People with ADHD can be constantly living on the edge, looking for that next thing that will make them feel something. This could mean doing drugs or having lots of sex or jumping out of airplanes. Whatever it takes for them to feel like they are alive and in control.
• They can have low self-esteem.
  Because of a lifetime spent struggling to do the most basic tasks and the derision that often comes from other people when they feel let down, people with ADHD struggle from a chronic lack of self-esteem. This lack of self-esteem can cause intense depression and actually lead to increased cognitive deficiencies.
• They struggle to listen or remember or keep promises and might always interrupt you.
  The minds of people with ADHD go a mile a minute. Much faster than the rest of us. Because of this, they are easily distracted by the next thing, as opposed to what is in front of them. As a result, they might not remember what is said to them. They want to but they can’t.
• They often struggle at work.
  Because they have a hard time completing tasks and staying focused, people with ADHD sometimes always struggle at work. To be successful at work, people with ADHD need two things: a boss who understands them and an excellent support staff. Without these things, success will be very hard to attain. Not impossible but very difficult. This can lead to additional self-esteem issues.
• They will struggle to make anything a priority.
  For people with ADHD, there are two kinds of time — “now” and “not now”. Because of this, they live completely in the moment. The concept of “moments down the road” means nothing to them.
• They are often financially challenged.
  Having the focus to keep track of their expenditures takes a tremendous amount of discipline that they just might not have.

Also, some people with ADHD love to spend money. People with ADHD are often in search of the next high, the next thing that will scratch their itch. And spending money is an excellent way to achieve that goal.

So you see: people with ADHD are different from people who aren’t. Your ADHD husband may be very different from someone else’s ADHD boyfriend! Understanding that is a key piece of loving and being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD.

10 Struggles Only People with ADHD Understand

2. Be Willing to Compromise and Accommodate.

If you love someone who has ADHD, it’s important to be willing to compromise and accommodate their challenges. If your partner simply cannot complete a task the way that you want it done, you might need to finish it yourself.

If your partner struggles with keeping the finances in line, you might need to take on that task as well. If your partner has a hard time listening and remembering what you say, you might need to develop a system of writing things down to help him do so.

If your partner suffers from self-esteem issues or struggles at work, you might have to spend a disproportionate amount of time shoring him up. If your partner takes risks or spends too much money, you might have to help him manage those drives so they aren’t self-destructive.

Supporting and accommodating your loved one is a key part of living successfully together. If you can’t accommodate your loved one’s limitations, you might find yourself getting resentful and he might feel even more ashamed, which could make matters worse.

3. Be Clear with Yourself What Is Acceptable.

While it’s important to be willing to understand someone with ADHD and be willing to accommodate them when necessary, it is also important that you not compromise on things that you don’t think are acceptable.

If you find that your partner’s financial expenditures are putting your family at risk, then you can put your foot down and address the situation head-on.

If he never returns your texts or emails and isn’t available when he is needed, a system needs to be put in place to make him available.

Of course, when you love someone who has ADHD, it is important to compromise and accommodate but it is also important that you not lose sight of what is important to you.

4. Don’t Take Their Behaviors Personally.

It is essential that when loving a person with ADHD, you do not take their behaviors personally.

I have a client whose wife has ADHD. He hated to come home from the office because the house was a disaster, dinner was never ready, the kids were running around like crazy people and she was off working in the garden. He tried to explain to her how important it was to him that he not be met with chaos every time he came home.

He said to me, “If she loved me, then she would try harder to meet my needs. I even offered to help her but she refused.”

The thing was that she did love him. She just couldn’t do the things that he needed her to do.

Ironically, the hallmark of someone with ADHD is that they don’t want to ask for help. They honestly believe that if they try hard enough, they can do it all themselves.

As a result, many couples deal with the issue of one person not doing what they said they could do and the other person taking their lack of action personally.

So make an effort to not take your partner’s ADHD actions personally. It kills them that you do and they really do love you — they just forgot to take the trash out.

12 Questions to Ask Before Considering Medication for Kids with ADHD

5. Talk About It.

Communication is the key to loving someone with ADHD.

When your partner struggles with all of the things that he struggles with, and you have to work hard every day to accommodate those struggles, tensions are going to rise.

Some of the systems that you devised to make things work might stop working. Or your frustration levels with his spending money might elevate dangerously. Or he might be resentful of your repeated offers to help him finish a job.

When these things happen, it is important for the couple to take the time to talk about it. To see what they can do, together, to make whatever the issue is work.

Unfortunately, what can often develop in an uneven relationship is a parent/child dynamic, one where the non-ADHD person becomes like a parent to the ADHD-er. This is not a good dynamic for two people in a romantic relationship, for obvious reasons.

The best way to cut that dynamic short is to talk about it. Don’t make assumptions. Don’t walk away in a huff. Don’t scream and yell. Talk about it. Express your feelings and frustrations. Make a plan. Together.

Finding ways to love someone who has ADHD might seem difficult some on days but, I promise you, it’s not impossible.

People who struggle with ADHD are incredibly creative, they have a joy for living, they are full of big ideas and have a lot to give to a partner. People who struggle with ADHD are people who people want to love.

But living with people with ADHD can be a challenge, so take my advice above. Learn about how your partner struggles with ADHD. Accommodate him where you can but hold a line about what’s important to you. Talk about all of it when it becomes an issue.

And never, ever take their behaviors personally. Their behaviors are a result of their brain chemistry, not their love for you.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The 5 Best Tips for a Happy Relationship with Someone Who Has ADHD.

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Psychology Around the Net: February 24, 2018

Happy Saturday, Psych Central readers!

This week’s Psychology Around the Net dives into how to combat isolation when you work from home, an upcoming all-star mental health charity concert, why a “good enough” relationship is what you need, and more.

How to Fight Isolation When You Work from Home: Working from home definitely has its perks, but it has its downfalls, too. Isolation — which can lead to depression — is all too common among folks who work from home. Here are a few ways to combat isolation (many of which can even boost your mental and physical health!).

Harvard Psychologist Steven Pinker: The No. 1 Communication Mistake That Even Smart People Make: The “curse of knowledge” can make you forget what it’s like to not know something and cause you to use jargon, skip explanations and steps, and not describe things in concrete terms. Steven Pinker, a professor of psychology at Harvard University and the author of writing manual The Sense of Style, offers strategies for overcoming your own “curse of knowledge” to communicate more clearly when writing or speaking.

Depression May Impede HIV Care: A new study suggests people with depression might have a more difficult time sticking to their HIV treatment plans, including being more likely to miss scheduled healthcare appointments

Dave Navarro Recruits Courtney Love, Billy Idol for Mental Health Charity Show: Guitarists Dave Navarro and Billy Morrison are recruiting an all-star lineup including Courtney Love, Billy Idol, Corey Taylor, and more to play a mental health charity concert in April. Says Morrison: “After losing too many friends to suicide and depression, and having suffered personally with a wide range of mental health issues, we want to raise awareness and funds for the treatment of mental health.”

Rep. Nardolillo Calls for Increase in Counseling for Students: Funding to be Derived from the Sale of Violent Video Games: Representative Robert Nardolillo III has announced he will introduce legislation that implements a tax on video games rated “M” or higher in order to fund and increase in mental health and counseling resources in schools, citing there is evidence kids who are exposed to these kinds of video games “tend to act more aggressively than those who are not.”

Why This Marriage Therapist Says a ‘Good Enough’ Relationship Is One That Lasts a Lifetime: The idea that a relationship you can describe as “good enough” is one you should strive for is probably not an idea you’re keen on; however, relationship therapist John Gottman of The Gottman Institute offers a simple yet insightful definition of “good enough” that might change your mind.

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How Do We Assure the Children?

If polled, most parents would say it was their primary job to protect their children from harm. “Look both ways before you cross the street.” “Don’t touch a hot stove.” “Don’t go off with a stranger.” These are common instructions offered from adults to young ones.

Responsible parents keep a watchful eye on those in their care. Until the past decade or so, that was sufficient. In recent years, a feeling of helplessness has overcome some. Sending your child to school in the morning didn’t fit into the worry category. In the wake of the most recent school shooting at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida on February 14, 2018, it has become a present fear and a reminder that certain occurrences are beyond a parent’s control.

When shots rang out that Valentine’s Day afternoon, students were completing a day that ironically began with an affirmation, “Life supports me in every way possible.”

A series of disturbing pieces of information were revealed about the shooter, Nikolas Cruz who had been expelled from the school. It painted a picture of an emotionally disturbed young man whose adopted parents had died, and he was taken in by family friends who say they had no idea he was planning the demise of so many people. He was obsessed with guns and posted photos of himself on social media. He allegedly abused his former girlfriend and tormented animals. Rumors were that he was part of a militia/white supremacist group. The FBI had been aware of his postings, and he was still able to legally purchase as firearm known as an AR-15.

It was considered one of the top 10 deadliest mass shootings in recent history, including Sandy Hook, Las Vegas and Columbine. Sadly, many have become inured to the effects of regular reports of violence that can occur anytime, anywhere in the world.  

An admission here: I am not a gun enthusiast. I have never held one, nor do I plan to. I have never lived with anyone who owned guns. I have a few friends who are responsible gun owners. One, who is a gun safety trainer, is my source for accurate, albeit, paradigm stretching information. When we have conversations, they are food for thought. He considers himself politically liberal and has attended all kinds of peace-related events, rallies and marches, so not everyone who carries a gun, carries right wing views.

I have a visceral response to the topic, so writing about this deadly attack has been challenging. Even though what happens anywhere in the world ultimately impacts all of us, this is personal since my daughter-in-law is a teacher and I see many clients in my counseling practice who are students K-12.

My friend shared this bit of weaponry wisdom that is taught to those who take training.

The Gun Safety Rules Are:

1. All guns are always loaded. (meaning, assume they are)
2. Never let the muzzle cover anything you are not willing to destroy.
3. Keep your finger off the trigger until your sights are on the target.
4. Be sure of your target and what is beyond it.

This tragedy is complex and multi-layered. To explain to children what happened takes fortitude and self-examination that may feel like more than most parents have the training to express. How can you be a calm source of comfort for children in your life who question how this could have happened? Some ideas that can be of assistance.

• • Ask yourself about your stance on guns. Do you own them?  If so, are they safely sequestered? What is the purpose of gun ownership in your case? How do you educate your children about their safe use?
  • What are your thoughts about gun violence and how it impacts on children?
  • What are your thoughts about mental illness and gun ownership? Statistically, more people with mental health diagnoses are victims of violence than they are perpetrators.
  • Do you consider gun violence a public health crisis? The Centers for Disease Control advocates for that perspective.
  • What do you teach your children about healthy expression of emotion? Anger is a normal human emotion that can be used as either a tool for positive change or a weapon for emotional or physical threat.
  • How about the idea, “If you see something, say something”? If your child is aware of threats made, even seemingly in jest, they are to be taken seriously. If someone posts photos or words that indicate a desire to do harm, it is important to tell a trusted adult. Second guessing is no comfort when lives are in the balance.
  • Does your child isolate or reach out to socialize with others?  Are they aware of other children who are ostracized or bullied? Are they in the role of perpetrator or victim of bullying?
  • Be a good example of healthy communication. Model cooperation, compassion and empathy. Remain open to hearing your child’s concerns about school, self-worth and socialization.

Recently, I was speaking with an administrator of a local high school in a community with a pervasive gun culture. I asked what the environment was like for his students. The teachers assured them that to the best of their ability, they would look out for their wellbeing. Their school utilizes the ALICE system that is meant to protect and empower the children and teens. The acronym is meant to reflect intervention on the part of teachers and students and has been proven to have positive impact.

• Alert
• Lockdown
• Inform
• Counter
• Evacuate

A few days following the attack, I was sitting with a 12-year-old client who, in a matter of fact manner, outlined the drills his school did in anticipation of a gun-toting intruder. I held back tears as I told him that I was sorry they needed to go through this and that when I was his age, we had fire drills that had us line up for a short time in the parking lot. That was it. No fear of threat to life and limb as I was growing up in the 1960s and ’70s. No cowering in closets. No piling desks, bookshelves and chairs against doors. No heart racing terror that my friends and I wouldn’t make it home that day.

Students and teachers have elected to take matters into their own hands and speak out about their concerns. May they be heard, respected and responded to in ways that save lives.

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The Value of Talking to Each Other Out Loud

Technology has provided more ways for people to communicate than previous generations could have imagined, but one of the great ironies of our age is that we are speaking to each other less than ever.

A 2014 Gallup poll conducted in the US found that text messaging was the most popular form of communication for those aged 18 to 29. When major companies such as Coca Cola and Citigroup asked employees if they wanted to eliminate voice messages, the majority agreed.

Psychologist Sherry Turkle is concerned that with so much communication taking place through devices people are losing the art of conversation. Closely related to this is the question of what screen culture is doing to our listening skills.

The ability to listen to others and read emotions based on word choice, tone of voice, pitch and pace, are essential, not just for communication, but for empathy. This was highlighted by a recent study which found that “empathic accuracy” increased when subjects were exposed to voice-only communication, rather than a combination of voice and visual cues, such as facial expressions.

A Little More Conversation

The study by the Yale School of Management gauged if emotional and internal states were conveyed more effectively when the listener only had to focus on one sense. At first glance this study seems to have little connection with technology, but its findings about listening and empathy have important implications, especially for young people.

In her TEDx Talk on technology and empathy, Jacquelyn Quinones quoted from a 2011 study by the University of Michigan which found that 3 in 4 students showed 50% less empathy than 30 years ago. It’s no coincidence that the steepest decline in empathy occurred around 2001 when social media first emerged.

With less communication taking place through voice conversations, either in person or by phone, there’s a real risk that people are not developing the same sophisticated skills as past generations when it comes to interpreting other people’s emotional states through listening. This has led to a decline in emotional intelligence and empathy, both on and offline.

The finding that voice provides more accurate insights into how a person feels than voice and body-language combined, is surprising. The researchers claim that facial expressions are less reliable indicators of emotion because they can be manipulated by the speaker to mask his or her true emotions.

In the same way that people post images on social media to create a positive impression of their lives which may have little connection with reality, they are also very conscious of putting their “best face forward” in conversation.

There are a range of reasons, people attempt to hide how they’re feeling, many of which are a cause for empathy, such as fear or shame. It’s important for people to have the skills to see through the “masks” others often wear to form relationships based on compassion and understanding. When so much communication takes place via a screen, it becomes much harder to pick up on the subtle cues to emotional states that can be gleaned through voice. Who hasn’t had the experience of misinterpreting what someone meant based on a text message or email?

A Little Less Distraction

The other reason the researchers believe that emotional states were interpreted more accurately through voice-only communication was because the subjects were less distracted. Being able to focus only on the spoken words was beneficial when it came to identifying emotions. This finding is very relevant for a culture where multitasking has become so commonplace it’s perfectly acceptable for people to surf the internet or read emails while engaged in conversation. This reduces the ability to really focus on what others are saying.

Even Skype and FaceTime, which on the surface appear to enhance connections, may be less effective for creating empathy than an old-fashioned telephone conversation because the added stimulation may reduce concentration and perception, affecting the listener’s “empathic accuracy.”

It’s a curious fact that in an age of hyper-connection, isolation and loneliness continue to be serious problems. Disconnection manifests in a lack of empathy, a decline in politeness and open hostility in the form of racism and misogyny. The most extreme manifestation is terrorism.   

Everyone is affected by screen culture, but it’s children who have the most to lose. When parents and kids are glued to devices, there are less conversations for children to listen to and learn from. It’s vital for children to develop the skills to listen to what people are saying, and more importantly, what they are not saying. The only way to learn how to “read between the lines” is through constant exposure and practice.

A little more conversation and a little less distraction can make the world a kinder and more compassionate place, put down the devices occasionally and really talk to the people in your life!

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Empowering Our Girls: Being Part of the #MeToo Solution

Recently, a memory of an experience I had made me think about how we can empower our girls and young women in a culture that is wrought with many obstacles to do so. A number of years ago I saw a new male doctor for some medical issues I was experiencing. He was warm and friendly, but instead of putting me at ease, something didn’t feel right. In his brief exam (with my clothes on) he lingered in a way that gave me an uncomfortable gut feeling. He asked me questions about my sex life that seemed irrelevant to my issues. He sat unusually close to me and gave me a hug when I left, which no other doctor had ever done.

I began to question my own experience. Am I giving off some signals to bring this on? Maybe I’m crazy — this is all in my head, I’m just imagining this. He is just being friendly and concerned. He is a reputable doctor, so it must be me. Despite my better judgment I continued to see him on several more occasions, and on each time I felt a similar gut feeling of something not being quite right. It was not until years later, when I found out that he had lost his medical license (for undisclosed reasons) that I felt some validity for my own gut feeling of something not being right after all.

This situation was a relatively minor one in comparison to some of the far more severe issues that girls and women face on a daily basis in a culture that has historically disempowered women. But as the memory of it surfaced recently, I began thinking a lot about my teenage and young adult female patients, who have been victim to unwanted sexual advances and worse, and to all of the woman who have had the courage to stand up and say “me too” after enduring sexual assault and harassment of all kinds. If, as a psychologist and person trained to help people validate their emotions, I could not trust my own gut feelings, felt some shame for what happened, and doubted myself all the while, I could only imagine how impossible it would feel to be anything but immobilized in the face of strong, unwanted sexual advances, and verbal and physical harassment.

Thanks to the courage of those behind it, the #MeToo movement is raising awareness and calling out for desperately needed global and systemic changes at all levels to address this disturbing and widespread problem. Most importantly, we need to stop explicitly and implicitly blaming and shaming women who are victims of sexual harassment. We as a society need to give a clear message to girls that the victim is never to blame, and that this kind of behavior will never be tolerated under any circumstances.

But as the parent of both a young adult daughter and son, this all leaves me unsettled, and raises the question as to what I can do personally to empower my daughter to stand up to abuses of power that she may encounter, and to make sure that my son never engages in such behaviors. I had a few thoughts about what we can do in our own backyards, so to speak, as parents, teachers, and relatives of young children, to help empower girls to find their voices and stand strong in their own strength and conviction, and to teach our boys how to value and respect girls and women.

First of all, we can be more aware of the subtle messages that we give to girls at an early age, and we can work to validate, not invalidate, their feelings. We want girls to be able to trust their own emotions and body signals, yet even the most well-meaning of us (myself included) at times inadvertently undermines this by some of the things we say. Some examples might include saying, “Stop being angry, just calm down”, “don’t be so sad”, or “Cheer up… I just want you to be happy.” In our effort to take away our kids’ pain, we often miss the opportunity to validate what they are feeling, and instead, give them the message that they need to push their feelings away in order to please us or make someone else feel better. Saying something like, “you look angry/sad, I wonder if you want to talk about it?” can help validate what they are feeling and give them permission to let these feelings have a voice.  

Comments such as “you can’t be hungry, you just ate two hours ago”, or “what do you mean you’re not feeling well, you look fine to me”, or “why are you putting on your jacket, it’s not cold in here” are seemingly minor comments, but can carry the subtle message that girls can’t trust their own body signals because we, the adults, know better. We can help girls to sense into their own body signals from the inside out, by teaching them simple mindfulness skills of being aware of their own body sensations. If a girl is expressing hunger but just ate, it might be helpful to ask, “what are you noticing in your body? Does it feel like a signal of hunger, or might you be worried, bored, or something else?  Listen inside and sense what you might most need right now.”  

If a girl is expressing not feeling well it could be helpful to validate that her body is giving her important information, and suggest she notice and describe the feelings in her body. You might explain that our bodies can feel “not good” for lots of reasons, including sickness, but also sometimes if we are fearful or worried, sad, lonely, etc. What kind of “not feeling good” are you feeling right now? What do you think would most help?”

Most of us at a young age have an innate ability to sense our own “personal space” and know when a boundary is being violated, but it can be quite difficult to verbalize this feeling, and to know it is all right to do so. One way of teaching young children to learn to listen to and respond to this “gut” feeling is to play a simple game. Have the child stand in one spot, and walk toward the child. Encourage them to pay attention in their bodies to what they are noticing, and have them call out “stop” when they feel you are just the right distance and closeness from them, and not too close. You might do this with different friends or family members to illustrate that this personal space may get bigger or smaller depending on who is walking toward them. Their personal space bubble with their mother may be quite different than with their brother or father or friend that they just met.

We can also empower girls by giving them opportunities to advocate for themselves, even at a young age. As parents and caregivers, we often want to swoop in and make it all better or “fix it” for our children, and sometimes this is called for. But other times, we miss the opportunity for our children to learn to speak up for themselves, and develop their own inner strength in doing so. It can be helpful to sit with them and encourage them to problem solve when an injustice feels like it has been done, to give them the message that it is okay to speak up, be involved in a solution, and assert themselves.

When my son was in fourth grade he suffered from a terrible case of Tourette’s, with uncontrollable body movements that made other children look strangely at him and tease him. With the help of his teacher, he decided that he would get up in front of the class and explain to the class about Tourette’s, and answer questions the kids might have. This was enormously empowering for him in terms of handling a very difficult situation and helping to head off further potential bullying. While this example involved my son, we can work to help our girls advocate for themselves in this and other ways. Girls need permission to speak up, and we can be by their side and support them as they do.

Finally, we need to talk with our boys, at all ages, to explain to them what true informed consent means. Many well meaning adolescent and young adult boys do not understand what this actually means. We can start at a young age. “You need to ask your little sister if she wants to be hugged, OK? Just because it might feel good for you, she may not want to be hugged right now.” Or, “when you two are rough housing and she says ‘stop’ you need to respect her and leave her alone immediately.” (All too often, this kind of thing can be taken too lightly by parents.)  

For older boys and even young adults, these conversations are critical, and need to be stated clearly and with concrete examples, leaving no room for doubt. Boys often assume that girls will speak up if they are uncomfortable, and that if a girl is “going along with it” and not protesting or saying anything, it means she is okay with it. Boys need to understand that consent is about asking directly, not about making assumptions. This is not well understood in our culture, and it is our job as parents and teachers, aunts, uncles and grandparents, to have these explicit conversations, over and over again, at all ages with our boys. We should not make the assumption that boys understand this concept. They likely will need specific examples. I just had such a conversation with my college son, despite that I believe he is a very good person at heart and very respectful of women.

The recent courage of so many brave female voices is helping to raise awareness for all of us. This can offer us an opportunity to look for ways to be part of the solution, and perhaps one place to start might be in our own backyard.

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Psychology Around the Net: February 17, 2018

Hello, Psych Central readers.

For this week’s Psychology Around the Net, we’re diving into vibes and what causes us to feel them, how we can use our emotions to cause positive environmental change, ways to help children better understand and practice mindfulness, and more.

I’ve chosen to not address the school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida in this week’s Psychology Around the Net, as many of our Psych Central writers have already and are continuing to do so. I encourage you to browse our latest blog posts for our team’s insights.

How Real Are Vibes: The Good and the Bad? Have you ever picked up a “vibe”? You can’t exactly put your finger on it, but you just feel a situation or a person is or isn’t “right.” You have a good vibe about your new neighbor. You have a bad vibe about how your boss is restructuring the office. Well, some explanations that might help with better understanding “vibes” lie in our brains’ abilities to process a variety of sensory inputs, even if we don’t consciously know we’re doing it.

Taking Too Many Selfies Confirmed to be a ‘Real Psychological Disorder’: More accurately, two India-based researchers, Janarthanan Balakrishnan and Mark D. Griffiths, conducted a study with results that could support the idea that there’s a “gradual scale” mental health professionals could use to determine whether a person exhibits signs of this obsessive behavior.

How to Hack Our Psychology to Take More Eco-Friendly Actions: Renee Lertzman, Ph.D. is an expert on the psychological impact of environmental threats, and after years of researching and teaching she has quite a bit of information for us on how we can use the complicated emotions those environmental threats give us to make positive changes.

People with Depression Use Language Differently – Here’s How to Spot It: It probably comes as no surprise to many of us that people with depression tend to verbally express themselves differently. For a long time, scientists have been trying to figure out the relationship between language and depression, and the results of a new study that focuses heavily on the two components of language — content (what we express) and style (how we express it) — might help us better predict whether a person is suffering from depression.

Teach Kids about Mindfulness with These Everyday Objects: Many adults struggle with mindfulness, so how can we expect children to understand it — much less practice it? Well, a few simple objects — such as snow globes, apples, and even ice cubes — can help children with mindfulness activities.

Why Do So Few Docs Have Buprenorphine Waivers? Only about 5% of America’s doctors have waivers to prescribe buprenorphine — Suboxone — which is a medication to help treat opioid addiction, and some doctors claim bureaucratic hoops and doctor office culture could play roles in why that percentage is so small.

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Preventing and Healing from School Violence Takes a Village

As our nation reels from the devastating event of the school shooting in Florida this week (number 18 in 2018, according to CNBC and other media outlets), it’s easy to point fingers and blame the gun industry for making the guns, law makers for what they are or aren’t doing to control gun access, the perpetrator for his mental health issues and his alleged obsession with guns and knives and death, the leadership of the school, the parents….the list goes on.  

But, as  Dr. Mary Schoenfeldt, renowned expert and author of numerous books on school violence prevention and school violence aftermath, said the media and the blame seekers miss the most vital point. “The perpetrators (of school violence) don’t usually expect to go home. Their actions are a result of suicide ideation. They’ve made a decision to die because it’s easier than living…and while they are out there, they might as well take some others with them. Suicide and violence sometimes become the best option, in the minds of someone in psychic pain. My guess is this young man, like all of the others, had used options to cope until that moment when those options didn’t work anymore.”

Schoenfeldt texted with PsychCentral.com while on her way to the airport. She often arrives within 24 hours of a school shooting to help the school with their trauma response and to work with the survivors and their families.

Schoendfeldt commended the faculty and administration and first responders at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High saying that they had saved many lives because “the school had practiced shelter in place, lock down and coordinated evacuation. Had they not had these systems in place, the death count would have been much higher.”

The media widely reported quotes from the shooter’s classmates and former teachers, who used words to describe him like “weird” and “troubled” or “always in trouble”. The school itself sent out a vague note to teachers asking them to keep an eye on him, before he was expelled from school. Friends and former friends saw him post photos of guns and knives and make comments like “cost me $30” and “my arsenal” on social media. The death of his adoptive mom last November (the second of his parents to die) seemed to be common knowledge among the community. And yet no one seemed to see this coming.

It’s far cry from another event that occurred on Wednesday, when a school violence plan was thwarted in Everett, Washington, because of the actions of a grandmother. The Seattle Times reported that the grandmother called the police after she was alarmed upon reading her 18-year-old grandson’s journal detailing what he learned from other school shootings and how he planned to carry about an attack on his former school, taking pressure bombs and black-powder filled grenades, plus his guitar case holding his semi-automatic rifle to school. (The grandmother looked in the case for the gun and turned that over to police.)

Schoenfeldt said she applauds that grandmother. “School violence is not just a school issue. It is a family and a community issue, where everyone needs to be paying attention to prevent school violence.” Schoenfeldt reminds parents that sometimes kids come home from school and talk about something they witnessed during the day or about a conversation they had with a friend that made them uncomfortable. This may be the child’s way of asking for help or for an intervention, and parents need to read and understand the cues to know when to step in and call the school, another parent, the police or whomever.

In the days that follow, coping skills and the support of community and mental health professionals are essential, not only for recovery from the trauma but also to ensure that this latest event doesn’t serve as an example to other students, like the Everett teen, who might think this is a good way to exact revenge while dying himself.  

PsychCentral.com has a wealth of resources on the politics and psychology of school shootings, school shootings and grief and PTSD, and tips for parents on talking to your children, because in order to prevent further acts and to heal from this one, it will take people feeling connected and communities coming together.

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Best of Our Blogs: February 13, 2017

Valentine’s Day is coming up. It’s the holiday many of us have a love hate relationship with and that’s understandable.

When I was single, I dreaded it. The heart-filled, chocolate covered day, only seemed to remind me of how alone I felt. I remember being in high school walking around empty-handed as I watched everyone around me filled with excitement about the gifts they got.

I didn’t love it that much more when I found my husband. It was just another reason to spend money on ways to prove my worth as a partner.

Along the way I realized that these were just other people’s expectations of what one single day meant. And I could choose to go along with it, but I could also opt out. It was the relationship I had with myself that was most important.

Before you’re saturated with Valentine’s paraphernalia, read up on our top posts which will inspire you to transform the commercial holiday. Whether it’s learning how to brighten someone else’s day or heal your own childhood issues with neglect, it’s a reminder that you can make Valentine’s Day whatever you want it to be.

Childhood Behavioral Concerns: How to Stop Whining in Its Tracks
(Childhood Behavioral Concerns) – It’s the thing kids do that annoys most adults. Here’s a plan to get rid of whining once and for awhile.

Healing from Parental Neglect
(The Recovery Expert) – If you suffered from neglect as a child, you’re probably still suffering from it as an adult. But there are ways to heal from your parent’s neglect. Here’s how.

10 Small Yet Big Ways to Brighten Someone’s World
(Make a Mess: Everyday Creativity) – This is a beautiful way to celebrate the upcoming holiday or any day. These ten ideas will teach you doing good for others, does good for ourselves.

Recognizing the Source of Irrational Thoughts, Fears, Beliefs and Behaviors
(NLP Discoveries) – You can’t stop yourself from eating that last piece of cake. It’s a struggle to not react to your triggering boss. And try as you may, you can’t speak up. You need to read this.

The Difference between Panic, Manic, and Psychotic Attacks
(The Exhausted Woman) – Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between panic, manic and psychotic attacks. Here’s how to tell the difference.

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Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Effective for Children and Adolescents with OCD?

There is no question that having a child with obsessive-compulsive disorder affects the whole family. I’ve written before about how pediatric OCD results in disrupted routines, stressful social interactions for children, and poor job performance for parents. Elevated stress and anxiety levels, as well as feelings of frustration, anger, and sadness become the norm in a household dictated by OCD.

I’ve also written about how important it is to get the right help as soon as possible. Even if parents or other caregivers think things are “not that bad,” the situation is likely worse than they imagine. Because children (and adults) with OCD can be adept at hiding their symptoms, they are often the only ones who know the real extent of their disorder — parents don’t often recognize the extent of their children’s suffering. And on the off chance that the OCD really isn’t “that bad,” it’s still always better to seek treatment sooner rather than later.

In an interesting review published in Psychiatry Research, predictions related to the effectiveness of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in children and adolescents (all under the age of 18) with OCD were made:

In predictor analyses, worse response to CBT was associated with older age, higher OCD symptom severity, higher level of OCD-related impairment, worse depressive symptoms, the presence of any comorbid mental disorder, and higher family accommodation of OCD symptoms. Medication at baseline was not a predictor of CBT effectiveness.

No surprises there. This analysis confirms the importance of getting help for OCD as soon as possible, before OCD has become firmly entrenched.

It gets a little more complicated when discussing children and adolescents with OCD who have comorbid tic disorders, and it’s not always clear what the best path is to follow. In my own family’s experience, my son Dan experienced facial contortions, twitching, and tics when his OCD was severe. This is not uncommon as tics and Tourette syndrome appear in approximately 50% of children with OCD, and 15% of these children receive a diagnosis of Tourette syndrome. In Dan’s case, it’s possible some of the medications he was taking contributed to his tics. Thankfully, once he was taken off the meds and was working hard on his exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, all his tics, twitches and facial contortions disappeared. It’s interesting to note that his comorbid diagnoses of depression and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) also fell by the wayside.

Another finding from the above review, which was also reported in this 2010 study, is that children and adolescents with a family history of OCD had poorer outcomes with CBT than those with no family history of OCD. It’s not clear what the reason for this is, but might possibly be related to others at home who are dealing with OCD being unable to support their child fully. In these cases, CBT along with medication appears to be the most beneficial treatment approach.

The bottom line is CBT in the form of exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy works for children and adolescents. The sooner help is sought, the better the results will likely be. Once OCD is under control, an added bonus might be the disappearance of comorbid conditions such as depression, GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and even tic disorders.

There are no good reasons to delay treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder for our children. If your child or adolescent is struggling with OCD, do the right thing. Get help for them now.

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