When You Feel Guilty Being a Working Mom

“Why bother having children if you don’t spend time with them?”

Playwright and author Sarah Ruhl distinctly remembers her mother saying this about moms who worked full-time. After Ruhl had her own children, her mom’s words continued to haunt her, she writes in her excellent book 100 Essays I Don’t Have Time to Write: On Umbrellas and Sword Fights, Parades and Dogs, Fire Alarms, Children, and Theater.

For many working moms, these words haunt us, too. Maybe you work from home, and wonder if you should be able to get your work done in the margins of your day—before your child wakes up, during naptime, after bedtime. Maybe you barely make enough to cover your childcare (and wonder if it’s fair for your spouse to foot the bill since you’re the one who chooses to work). Maybe you’re just starting a start-up, and your salary is lower than low. Maybe you have a time-consuming career and a long commute, which means your child spends most of their weekdays in daycare. Maybe you’re working full-time and going to school.

Guilt is tough because it’s a signal that you’re doing something wrong. So when you feel guilty, you become convinced that you’re taking some terrible action.

But sometimes guilt is a false alarm. And it, unfortunately, tends to ring especially loudly for mothers.

“Mothers have a unique type of guilt that shows up in a variety of ways, and working mom guilt is a particularly difficult brand of maternal guilt,” said Stephanie Sprenger, a writer who pens the blog Mommy, for Real and co-edited The HerStories Project‘s essay collection: So Glad They Told Me: Women Get Real About Motherhood.

She encouraged moms to open up about their guilt, whether it’s talking to a therapist, mentioning it in a moms’ group, or writing about it inside your journal. “Talking about it may seem scary, but it actually makes our guilt less of a powerful force.”

Below, you’ll find additional tips on navigating your guilt—and making it less powerful and persuasive.

Identify the source of your guilt. Kate Rope, author of Strong as a Mother: How to Stay Healthy, Happy, and (Most Importantly) Sane from Pregnancy to Parenthood, stressed the importance of identifying why you’re feeling guilty: “Is it because you really think something should change and you are not doing what you believe is the best thing for you and your family? Or is it because you’ve internalized ideas from other people in your life or society in general and feel like you are not living up to those ideas?”

If the former is true for you, she suggested rethinking how you’re structuring your life so it better aligns with your wants and values (if that’s possible). Maybe that means asking your boss if you could work from home a few days a week to cut down on your commute, and spend that time with your child. Maybe that means changing jobs, so you have a less demanding position or a more flexible arrangement. Maybe it means going part time, and having your kids attend daycare three days a week. Maybe it means doing a split-shift, where you work until 2 p.m., spend time with your kids, and then work for several hours after their bedtime. Or maybe it means leaving the workforce all together. (Either way, there are so many ways to design your life with kids—as the comments illustrate in this post on Laura Vanderkam’s site.)

If the latter is true for you, that your guilt is coming from messages outside of yourself, tune into—and keep tuning into—your beliefs and what’s best for you and your family, Rope said. (More on that below.)

Don’t put guilt in the driver’s seat. One of Sprenger’s favorite books is Feel the Fear … And Do It Anyway! Her personal motto is: “Feel the guilt …and do it anyway!” That is, acknowledge how you’re feeling and explore it—but if your guilt isn’t pointing to some deeper truth, keep doing what you’re doing.

And don’t change a thing. As Sprenger said, keep working at a job that fulfills you, skip bedtime to take a yoga class, or pay a sitter so you can get a massage. “The guilt may or may not go away, but that doesn’t mean you have to let it take the wheel and guide your decisions.”

See the value in your work. When Rope interviewed Lauren Smith Brody, the author of The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom’s Guide to Style, Sanity and Success after Baby, for her book, she shared this tip: Make a list of what you get from your job (a paycheck totally counts!), and what you bring to your job. “Both of these will help you see the value of your work for yourself and for a larger community—your organization,” Rope said.

See caregivers in a different light. Think of your kids’ caregivers as growing their community, introducing them to different perspectives and helping them develop skills that might not be in your wheelhouse, Rope said. For instance, Rope has had several sitters, including her mother-in-law, who are great artists and have helped her daughters nurture their interest and abilities in art.

“My mom always told me, ‘the more people who love your child, the better,’ and I really believe that. We were intended to raise human beings as a community, and children benefit and learn from a wider community.”

Consider the lessons. Your children can learn a lot from your work. For instance, according to Rope: They can learn from you providing for them, and they can learn from the kind of work you do. If your work feeds your soul, they can learn the importance of caring for yourself, and if your work serves others, they can learn the importance of caring for people beyond your loved ones, she said.

Realize that you’re not failing. Moms often feel like failures because we can’t keep up: We’re expected to be on top of work—and on top of the latest parenting information and advice, to “be all things at all times to our kids,” Rope said. However, there’s very little support for these massive expectations, including inadequate maternity leave and inflexible workplace policies, she said.

“There is no such thing as daddy guilt, which demonstrates the incredible burden we put on moms to be the primary, all-knowing caregiver.” And yet “it takes a village to raise a child.”

When Ruhl recently asked her mom to clarify what she meant by saying, “Why bother having children if you don’t spend time with them?” after taking a moment to think, her mom replied: “Probably I was just jealous of the mothers who worked full-time.”

Guilt is a tricky emotion. Sometimes, it really does reveal an underlying desire—which might mean making a big change. And other times it’s a false alarm (no matter how roaring its ring). The key is to dig deep and identify which one it is for you. And whatever you choose, know that there’s value and worth in all of it.

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Looking for Unconditional Love in All the Wrong Places

Those of you who know me or have read my blogs know that I have had a rough life. Getting fired by one of my first supervisors, in front of my wife? Surely, things can’t get any worse.

Well, late in 2017, they did. Solely due to a miscommunication and misunderstanding among those that I worked with, my supervisor at the time fired me — five days before Christmas.

Future blogs of mine will cover this and its succeeding events in more depth.

For now, I wish to write about how those here in Orange County, California who purport to love others fail to offer the greatest love of all — unconditional love.

Although I established employment within three months of being fired by Orange County’s largest private employer, I do not as of yet have sustained employment. I’m in a probationary period, at my current job.

What makes this form of unemployment the most difficult of any that I have suffered prior is that my wife and I have two foster babies that we are trying to adopt. Of course, the joy of adoption is the only thing that will finally destroy the devastation of our being unable to naturally have children. If I cannot maintain a job, Social Services will simply take our kids from us. My wife and I will both be devastated.

Anyway, shortly after being fired, I took the logical first step. I sought help from a branch of a megachurch that we were attending at the time, here in Orange County — one of the most expensive regions of the United States in which to live.

Two of the ministers who had previously and frequently mentioned how much he loved my wife and me, ultimately, offered no help.

Later, we e-mailed that branch to ask for a simple loan. Many churches in our nation do offer such loans. One of the branch’s leaders replied by sarcastically typing “… this is a church — not a lending institution.”

As a result of this lack of love and support, we afterward visited another church in Orange County the following Sunday. We informed the senior pastor about our situation and how much we were financially in danger of losing our apartment and having to move to a homeless shelter. Instead of offering help, he eagerly informed us that he ministers at the local shelter and happily advised us that it is not a bad place to live, instead of offering help. Gee, thanks! No love, there.

I continued looking for compassion and love by texting a good friend of my family that we had known for decades. She immediately text me back telling me how much my neediness was annoying her and asked me to leave her out of my “next crisis.”

To sum up, ministers at a branch of a megachurch offered no help, though sermon after sermon they gave the impression that love is what their ministry is all about. Also, the senior pastor at another church invited my wife and me a stay at a homeless shelter. And a friend, who for years claimed to love my wife and me, told me that receiving news of my life-threatening problems was annoying her.

What got me through these shocking events? Unconditional love!

The unconditional love that I speak of was experienced after contacting a friend of mine on Facebook, who I had not seen since college and had not had the opportunity of speaking with in 25 years. Despite this gap in communication and despite the fact that my friend lives in North Carolina, on the other end of the continent, he showed unconditional love in graciously allowing me to call him whenever I needed a friend to speak with.  

He continued to offer me advice on life, job-seeking tips, texts, and — most importantly — prayer. This unconditional love is, ultimately, what kept me from feeling discouraged and giving up. He even told me that my problems were not my fault. I simply needed to navigate through the storm.

Yes, this unconditional love and support came from someone that I had not seen in years and someone who lives thousands of miles away, unlike the ministers that live within a fifteen-minute drive.

Eventually, my wife and I returned to this megachurch. But, we joined a different branch that, in fact, gave us money to pay rent for one month. They told us that this money was in the form of a grant for couples who are fostering children, as the megachurch strongly supports adoption of foster children.

When I told my friend about this grant, he strongly suggested that — once I get back on my feet financially — I need to return this money to the church.

How about that? Someone who does not regularly attend church not only showed me the unconditional love that was not shown to me by ministers. But he actually advised me that the right thing to do is to reinvest in the church. Unquestionably, what a fine person!

And what a wonderful cure to life’s problems that unconditional love provides.

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The Most Damaging Myths about Motherhood

You should be able to get pregnant right away. It’s what women’s bodies are designed to do. You should love being pregnant—or at least embrace it. After all, you’re growing a child! Pregnancy is when you get to enjoy all those feel-good hormones flowing through your body—and after you give birth, you should be thrilled to hold that baby in your arms. You’re supposed to instinctively bond with your newborn, and know exactly what they need. There’s a right way to give birth—and it doesn’t involve an epidural or a hospital.

Myths about motherhood are so powerful, so prevalent and so salient that they start well before we even become moms, according to Emma Basch, Psy.D, a psychologist who specializes in treating postpartum depression and other perinatal mood and anxiety disorders in Washington, D.C.

And these myths show up everywhere. We hear them from well-meaning loved ones and strangers. We see them on social media. We come across them in clever headlines on all sorts of sites, inside all sorts of publications.

And we consume these myths, and we assume them as our own beliefs. And we inevitably feel terrible, inadequate and lacking when we don’t act accordingly. We inevitably feel like we’re deeply, deeply flawed, and we’re missing some significant maternal gene.

We also don’t try to dispute them. Which means we don’t see facts like—10 percent of women in the U.S. have difficulty getting or staying pregnant; and 10 to 20 percent of women experience perinatal mood or anxiety disorders.

Many of the moms Basch sees at her private practice feel like no matter what they’re doing, they’re getting motherhood wrong. “[T]hey believe there is one right way to be a mom and they are failing.”

Maybe you do, too.

Below you’ll find a variety of myths about motherhood, which I hope help you realize that you’re not, in fact, doing it wrong. Because what’s truly wrong is the perpetuation of these myths in the first place.

Myth: As a mom, you need to fix it.

“There is one highly pervasive myth about motherhood that most of us aren’t even aware of, yet it dictates and influences virtually every decision that we mothers make—and leaves us feeling full of shame and doubt,” said Carla Naumburg, Ph.D, a parent coach and author of several books on parenting, including the forthcoming How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids (Workman, 2019).

The myth, she said, is that motherhood must be easy and enjoyable, and our kids must be happy and doing well—and if that’s not the case, then mom must fix the problem.

That is, if your child is bored, you must entertain them. If your child is sad, you must instantly cheer them up. If your child is throwing a tantrum because you said they can’t play with your phone, you must make them feel better.

We’re one of the first generations to be regularly inundated with research and advice on how to raise our kids. Which inadvertently contributes to the myth that if moms follow the best tips, their kids will be healthy—and if they’re not healthy, then clearly you’ve done something wrong, Naumburg said.

“This is ridiculous and damaging; life and humans are far too complicated and unpredictable for such simplistic if/then statements,” said Naumburg, who pens the Psych Central blog Mindful Parenting. Plus, she said, when we try to “fix,” we communicate that feelings such as sadness, anger, anxiety are bad and not OK. Which, over time, teaches our kids that these uncomfortable emotions are to be avoided—often at all costs. Which also can leave our kids ill-prepared for navigating challenges.

“It isn’t our job as mothers to make sure our children are happy; it’s our job to show up as often as we can for whatever they’re dealing with, and to help them learn how to navigate whatever pops up in life, rather than trying to help them avoid it all together.”

Myth: You should love being a mom. all. the. time.

There’s an implication that if you don’t love being a mom every single second of the day, then you’re somehow abnormal and defective. But as Basch said, “Who loves being or doing anything all of the time? People are multi-faceted; motherhood is complicated.”

Instead of trying to force yourself to feel certain feelings or to put on a mask, Basch stressed the importance of acknowledging and accepting all of your emotions. Because it’s perfectly normal and healthy to experience all kinds of emotions about motherhood.

Therapist Kate Kripke, LCSW, noted that it’s very common for moms to love their kids, but “not love the tedium, frustration, exhaustion, and confusion that often comes hand in hand with being a mom.” Motherhood is filled with moments of deep happiness, wonder and hilarity. But it’s also chaotic and messy, said Kripke, the founder and director of Postpartum Wellness Center of Boulder. And it leaves less time for other activities that you enjoy, which can spark sadness, anger and grief.

Myth: Being a mom should come naturally to you.

And if it doesn’t come naturally, then you’re obviously not cut out to be a mom. “Yet, the act of mothering—the choices to be made, the management of discipline, the day-to-day ebb and flow of the ‘how to’s’ in motherhood do not come ‘naturally’ for many women,” Kripke said.

In fact, she believes that all moms don’t know exactly what to do. But she noted: Some women may simply have more trust in themselves, and some may be more forgiving of their mistakes. Some might’ve been raised in households where they were fully listened to and taught to effectively cope with their emotions. Some might’ve been raised to understand how to “trust their capacities to find their own answers to things that seem like everyone else knows how and they do not.”

These women “may glide through parenting with a bit less stress and pressure because the knowledge is embedded in their own experience—as opposed to women who were not taught these things by their own mothers and therefore have no implicit memory and experience to work with.”

Myth: Good moms focus all their attention on their kids.

“Women are taught to take exceptional care of themselves while they are pregnant and then at the moment of birth, attention of care goes from mother to child,” said Kripke. And moms’ health gets put on the backburner.

Many moms believe that carving out time to care for themselves is the epitome of selfish. After all, we’re repeatedly told that we’re only good moms if we give everything to our kids all the time—if we’re “entirely self-sacrificing,” Basch said.

However, your health is critical. “One of the leading causes of childhood mental illness is untreated maternal mental illness,” Kripke said.

When you prioritize your own self-care, you have more to give to your loved ones. Your patience lasts longer, you’re more creative, you listen with more empathy, you think more logically, and you manage stress more effectively, Kripke said. Caring for yourself isn’t selfish, it’s “self-full.”

Plus, engaging in activities that genuinely nourish you feels good. And you deserve to feel good.

Ultimately, “The truth is, motherhood is complicated, always changing, and deeply personal,” Basch said. Which means there’s no one way to do it.

To stop yourself from internalizing these damaging myths (and similar ones), Naumburg encouraged readers to get regular reality checks from loved ones you deeply trust, who are honest, authentic, supportive and compassionate—and “who love you and your kid regardless of what you’re dealing with right now, and who don’t bother to clean their houses before you come over.”

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Get Ready for Kindergarten Now

Imagine this scenario: Your partner tells you that you are going to a new place where you will have fun and meet new friends. Sounds good, right? The day comes and you are taken to a building you’ve never seen before and escorted to a room bustling with activity. You are introduced to the person in charge and told you can go be with the others. Then your partner disappears.

You don’t know anyone there. You don’t know what is expected of you, and you don’t understand the activities and routines. You don’t know where your trusted partner went and when, or even if, he or she will be back.

Daunting, huh. Yet this is what happens to many 5 year olds on their first day of kindergarten. Overwhelmed by all the newness and maybe feeling abandoned by a parent, they cry or tantrum or withdraw to the corner. Their parent is told that the child will adjust. Maybe. But is the distress really necessary?

Fortunately, the transition to kindergarten doesn’t have to be so stressful for either child or parent. If you have a child headed for kindergarten this fall, and especially if your child has had limited experience being left with a sitter or at daycare, you can take steps now to make the transition a happy (or at least not traumatic) one.

I met with Dr. Elizabeth Perkins, retired Education Director of the University of Massachusetts. Amherst Childcare Centers. For 23 years, she supported hundreds of families in making this important transition from home and neighborhood to the world of elementary school, Dr. Perkins offers this advice for preparing you and your child:

Consider your child’s temperament and age. Is he shy? Is she rambunctious? In preschool or daycare, it’s often possible for staff to accommodate different children’s personalities and energy levels. The larger class sizes of kindergarten and the pressure to complete a curriculum make it difficult for elementary school teachers to do the same. Dr. Perkins reminds us that there are lots of excellent children’s books available that can help you talk to your child about how to deal with shyness or the wiggles. Keep it positive. Don’t shame the child. Focus on what the child can do when feeling overwhelmed or like she just can’t sit still another minute.

In the case of a child whose birthday is close to the cut-off date for entry, do consider whether waiting a year is wise. “For some children”, Dr. Perkins notes, “academics and social interactions may be more successful if they are the oldest in the class, not the youngest.”

Visit the school and classroom if possible. The goal is to help your child become familiar with an unfamiliar place. At least walk around the building. Show your child what door she’ll be going in. Play on the playground. Children who are oriented in this way are often less anxious on the first day.

Arrange for your child to meet the teacher before the first day of school if you can. Many schools have teacher preparation days the week or so before opening day. See if you can arrange for at least a hello and a handshake. Don’t overstay. This isn’t the time for a parent teacher conference. The teacher has a great deal to do and will appreciate it if you keep the visit brief.

Get together with other kindergarteners: If you know other families with a kindergartener, arrange a play date. Meet at a park or the school playground. When a child sees at least one other child she or he knows that first day, it may take the anxiety level down quite a bit.

Practice school activities: You know there will probably be a circle time, a rest time, a reading time, a lunch time, etc. Set up the stuffed animals for circle time. Give your child practice with sitting still while you read a story aloud. Make lunch time predictable at home so your child gets into the rhythm of a more routine day.

Set up morning routines now. “The morning routine at home,” says Dr. Perkins, “often sets the tone for the whole day.” You’ll have less stress and a happier send off if you start practicing a few weeks before school starts. Set an alarm for when you will all need to get up. Practice getting kids dressed and having breakfast before letting them turn on a TV or use a device. Better yet, to avoid a struggle about getting through the morning routine and out the door, don’t permit screen use before school at all. Help everyone understand what needs to happen for everyone to leave home on time and happy.

Before the school year begins: If you know that a first day meltdown is probable, alert the teacher ahead of time and confer about the best way to handle it. Most teachers appreciate it when parents are pro-active. If you know your child will have problems with settling into school routines, make an appointment to meet early in the year to discuss ways to manage it.

On the first day:  Do understand that your child is one of maybe 2 dozen the teacher is responsible for. The teacher doesn’t have the time to immediately respond to your concerns in the hubbub of the beginning and end of the school day. Just introduce yourself to staff and focus on helping your child get comfortable.

In the event of a first day meltdown: Stay for a while to help your child adjust. Usually if you are appropriate, teachers are only grateful.  Connect the child with an activity and with other children. Tell your child when you’ll be back. Dr. Perkins explained that kindergarteners are often just developing a sense of time. She advises that you give your child something on which to anchor your return time like: “After lunch, there will be playground time and a rest time and then I’ll be back“.  

Do provide contact information: On the first, day, hand the teacher a card with all your contact information on it in case the teacher has a concern or question about your child.  Yes, the office probably has the information but it makes it easier for a teacher to give you a call if she doesn’t have to first go find your information.

Be open-minded. Teachers do have a reputation in the community. Sometimes a negative rep isn’t deserved or reflects an unusual situation with one child. Be attentive but give the teacher a chance.

Problems: If something happens at school that concerns you, talk to the teacher when children aren’t there. Dr. Perkins reminds us that it is best to frame those concerns as a question, not a statement or, worse, an accusation. Don’t lead with “Why on earth did you say that?”  Or “Why didn’t you do…?” Instead, say, “Can you help me understand why you did this or that?”

The most important take-away

Dr. Perkins and I talked about the reality that not every parent can do all of this. Time and circumstances are different for every parent. “But”, says Dr. Perkins, “every child is likely to manage the transition to kindergarten better if a parent does everything she or he can to partner with the teacher to make it a happy one”.

From the time your child enters kindergarten, he or she will likely be spending more time each school day with the teacher and peers than with the family. A collaborative and friendly relationship with your child’s teachers will do much to ensure that your child will feel secure and will be successful”.

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Do French Kids Get ADHD? Yes

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) has become an increasing commonplace childhood malady, affecting somewhere between 5 to 9 percent of American children ever year.

Back in 2012, a blog was written claiming it explained the reason “Why French Kids Don’t Have ADHD.” In the article, Dr. Marilyn Wedge made the astonishing claim that while American children suffered ADHD prevalence rates of around 9 percent, French children have a prevalence rate of “less than 0.5 percent.”

The only problem with this claim? It’s not true.

The article appeared on Psychology Today, that bastion of lowest common denominator, pop psychology content, and it remains one of their most shared articles on social media. You’d think that at some point in the intervening 6 years since it was written, somebody would’ve checked and verified the article’s claims.

It certainly would’ve been easy, as it only took a few minutes to debunk the claim with a study by Lecendreux and colleagues (2011) that examined the prevalence of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and its associated features among children in France.

“Earlier studies point to the prevalence of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) to be similar around the world,” the researchers noted. “There is, however, a wide variety in estimates. The prevalence of ADHD in youth has never been examined in France.”

So they set out to conduct a systematic study of ADHD prevalence rates in France starting off with 18 million telephone numbers, randomly selecting 7,912 of them. Out of 4,186 eligible families, they successfully recruited 1,012 of them to take part in a fairly extensive and detailed telephone interview. According to the researchers, the interview “covered family living situation, school performance, symptoms of ADHD, conduct disorder (CD), and oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD), and other features of ADHD.”

How Prevalent is ADHD in French Children?

The researchers found that the prevalence of ADHD in French children was between 3.5 and 5.6 percent. This is right in line with the estimate provided by the American Psychiatric Association of 5 percent (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). It is, however, lower than the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) estimate of 9.4 percent.

ADHD is much more prevalent in France than what Dr. Wedge claims. And, yes, while it may be somewhat less than the U.S. rate, it is not significantly different. As the researchers note, “The epidemiology of ADHD in French children is similar to the epidemiology of ADHD in other countries” (Lecendreux et al., 2011).

In other words, according to French researchers, ADHD prevalence rates are not significantly different than those found in other countries. The whole premise of Dr. Wedge’s article is untrue, at least according to this study.¹

Why the Differences in ADHD Diagnosis?

According to Dr. Wedge, the reason for the differences in prevalence of ADHD between the two countries (despite such a difference not really existing) is due to the way the two societies view the disorder. She suggests that American psychologists and psychiatrists view ADHD purely as a “biological disorder with biological causes.”

I’ve read a lot of research from clinicians who treat ADHD and talked to many of them as well. So it’s puzzling to me where Dr. Wedge has gotten this viewpoint. Because, in my experience, specialists who treat ADHD in the U.S. hardly view ADHD as a purely biological disorder. Instead, most of them seem to view it as we view most mental disorders — a complex result of a bio-psycho-social interactions that not only involves the brain and neurochemistry, but also important psychological and social factors as well. I have yet to meet an ADHD specialist who doesn’t examine parenting skills, social, and environmental factors that contribute to a child’s ADHD symptoms.

In short, Dr. Wedge sets up a strawman argument — one that very few ADHD specialists have actually made. She then answers it by noting that French clinicians emphasize social antecedents in their approach to treatment: “French doctors prefer to look for the underlying issue that is causing the child distress—not in the child’s brain but in the child’s social context.”

Americans prescribe more stimulant medications to children to treat ADHD because they are effective, inexpensive, and work in a timely manner. In short, it is one of the most efficient — and most effective (see Rajeh et al., 2017) — ways to treat the condition, with very few side effects. Good ADHD clinicians, however, actually encourage parents to try non-medication, behavioral treatments before medication because they know the research shows such treatments can be just as effective and longer-lasting.

But its dependent upon parents to be able to make that choice for their children — clinicians can’t force a parent to choose one treatment option over another, even if they believe one to be more effective.

* * *

According to the research, ADHD seems to exist with similar prevalence rates across industrialized countries. It’s unfortunate Dr. Wedge believes otherwise, and so has, in my opinion, misinformed millions of people who’ve read her article.

It’s natural for different cultures to treat mental illness in different ways. The fact that the French may emphasize one approach to treatment over their American counterparts — or that American parents choose a different type of treatment — is to be expected. Our cultures emphasize different values. But such differences don’t play out in how often children get ADHD or are successfully treated for it.

Research shows both medication and psychosocial treatments to be equally effective in reducing ADHD symptoms (e.g., Chan et al., 2016). Would we want people to try non-medication, behavioral treatments first for the treatment of ADHD? Absolutely, because psychosocial treatments — ones that combine behavioral, cognitive behavioral, and skills-training techniques — can help teach invaluable skills to children to help manage ADHD symptoms even if they stop taking medication. Such treatments can result in improvements in academic and organizational skills, such as homework completion and planner use, as well as co-occuring emotional and behavioral symptoms. Psychosocial treatments can also help in interpersonal functioning more than medication use alone (Chan et al., 2016).

Finally, we should keep in mind what researchers Rajeh and colleagues (2017) concluded: “While short term benefits are clear, longer term ones are not [for stimulant medications]. Behavioral interventions play a key role for long-term improvement of executive functioning and organizational skills. There is a paucity of long-term randomized placebo controlled studies and the current literature is inconclusive on what is the preferred intervention.”

In short, the research suggests there are no real differences in prevalence rates of ADHD in children between France and the U.S. French kids do have ADHD. And treatment approaches reflect the natural cultural differences, but don’t actually result in one group being treated more successfully than the other.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth edition: DSM-5. Washington: American Psychiatric Association.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) Data & Statistics. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2hrFOUw on July 14, 2018.

Chan, Eugenia; Fogler, Jason M.; Hammerness, Paul G. (2016). Treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in adolescents: A systematic review. JAMA: Journal of the American Medical Association, 315(18), 1997-2008.

Lecendreux, Michel; Konofal, Eric; Faraone, Stephen V. (2011). Prevalence of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and associated features among children in France. Journal of Attention Disorders, 15(6), 516-524.

Rajeh, Adnan; Amanullah, Shabbir; Shivakumar, K.; Cole, Julie. (2017). Interventions in ADHD: A comparative review of stimulant medications and behavioral therapies. Asian Journal of Psychiatry, 25, 131-135.

Wedge, M. (2012). Why French Kids Don’t Have ADHD. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2IPAAAN on July 14, 2018.

Footnotes:

1. Adding insult to injury, this study was published seven months before the Psychology Today’s article making this false claim, so it was easily verifiable ahead of its publication.

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Making the Most of Summer Games for Your Child and YOU

I don’t play. I don’t do games.

When one of my colleagues in the industry asked me what educational games I would recommend for the summer I found myself thinking: What do I know about games? What do I know about playing?

I reached out to a few friends and did some cursory research but generally felt uninspired. As I dug a little deeper, I realized I was battling a familiar pang: mother guilt layered upon the recognition that I don’t play enough with my daughter.

I do laundry, I pack the bags, I obsess about whether or not we’ll make it out of the door on time for school, sports, playdate, doctor (fill in the blank). I make sure teeth are brushed, hair is done, clothes are on… but I don’t really play.

My husband, on the other hand, he’s very good at playing. He doesn’t mind sitting among a pile of dirty dishes and spilt milk at the breakfast bar for a daily game of Uno before school. He doesn’t mind sticky Candy Land pieces laying in maple syrup and half-eaten pancakes. If my daughter wants to play a game, he’s up for it. “Sure, we can squeeze in a quick game of Trouble before school.”

Sadly, I am not very good at playing or games — until everything else is done. Which is never.

I think this became particularly apparent for me this past weekend during my daughter’s playdate. The two girls were bouncing around, in LOVE with the dirt and animals and made a game of nearly everything. A sand pile became a castle for princesses, a freshly mowed lawn became a hill to roll on and a stretch of driveway quickly became a race track.

They then asked me if we could go take a walk together in the back fields. Internally I groaned, “There are ticks back there.” I thought to myself, I’ve got so much to do here; maybe they could just keep playing in their “castle.” They begged and I capitulated. We set off for our “adventure trek”, water bottles in tow. I brought my phone “just for photos” I told myself. But honestly, deep down, I knew that I wasn’t ready to disconnect.

As they ran up ahead I felt a twinge of sadness — “Why is it so hard for me to be in this moment”?

Why can’t I play?

As we neared the first field one girl noticed an Indian Paintbrush wildflower. She picked it and smelled it and giggled with glee, “let’s pick wildflowers.” I had a quick flashback to my early years — picking Indian Paintbrushes in our fields in Maine. I felt a pang, “Why can’t I enjoy these moments the way I used to…”

Why can’t I play?

We exited the woods path and came upon a larger field; the older girl shouted with glee “let’s run through the tall grass and feel it all over our bodies.” I heard my head say, “No, don’t do that. The deer sleep here. You will get ticks on you. You are going to get filthy and your mom is going to hate me for letting you play with my daughter.” But I stopped myself and watched her run, my daughter close behind. Wildflower petals, crickets, and critters jumped out of their way as they ran, arms spread wide through timothy stalks and cow fetch. It was glorious. My mind stopped, for a second, to watch their unabashed joy and complete one-ness with their play.

A red-tailed hawk swooped low, likely looking for the creatures the girls unearthed. It settled on a tree top 15 feet away and watched us.

The girls danced on. They began collecting wildflowers for their bouquets. I caught my mind again, shifting, “Why don’t you do this more — why don’t you enjoy this more?” and then I noticed myself glancing at my phone — “What time is it? What are we having for dinner? I have five errands to run before 7pm.” And then I chided myself for not being able to disconnect. It was a familiar pattern. Worry about what needs to get done. Beat myself up for not being more “present and in-the-moment”, worry more about not being a “better” more playful parent. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Why can’t I play?

We rounded the bend. There were frogs in the pond and the girls were weighing the options: wet feet or frog catching? There was a new flower we hadn’t seen, and I heard them wonder aloud: Should they pick it? Or leave it be so that it could seed others? There was a smell of wild strawberries. The hawk called, swooped above us and flew away. I began to disconnect. My eyes filled for a moment. My shoulders sank; my breath got deeper. I forgot my phone. I remembered my youth. All five senses transported me back to a time when I did play. When I did do games. And it was lovely.

This was just a moment for me, but I’ve caught myself several times this week reminding myself to be present and to play. Not because I beat myself up for NOT being present but because being in the moment with children is a gift to yourself. I truly hope all of you are better at play than I am. But if you struggle, like I do, to disconnect, if you find your partners being the better “player,” if you long for the golden days of childhood where you didn’t worry about the “must-dos” and instead said “will do” to every game that came your way, remember my story.

1. Say yes (if you can), the dishes will wait. I will not remember what we ate for dinner that night. Whether or not my daughter went to bed on time or if I completed the laundry that weekend. But I will remember — forever etched in my mind: the glorious moment when those two girls had me picking flowers and playing in the field.
2. Don’t judge yourself. The negative self-talk and “shoulds” get in the way of play.
3. Enter a child’s world (if you can). It’s often a lovely place to be.
4. If you find yourself distracted: go back to the senses. What are the colors, smells, touches, noises.
5. It’s ok if it takes practice and you check your phone and lose the moment. You can bring yourself back. It’s worth the practice.

And finally, for those of you who really just wanted to know what to play this summer: here are five tried and true educational game recommendations from my Mightier colleague Trevor, a video game developer and life-long gamer.

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When Your Partner Breaks A Promise

Your partner broke a promise. Again. They promised to do more around the house. But they didn’t. They promised to stop criticizing you in front of your friends. But they haven’t. They promised to stop over-spending or gambling. They haven’t done that either.

Maybe they broke an even bigger promise—and had an affair.

Broken promises, big or small, corrode trust, said Ashley Thorn, LMFT, a psychotherapist who helps families, couples and individuals facing all kinds of struggles and transitions.

“And without trust in a relationship, there is no feeling of emotional safety, which rids partners of their ability to be vulnerable and connect with each other.”

There are many reasons why partners break promises. The first reason, of course, is that they didn’t want to make the promise in the first place. “Sometimes a person will throw out a promise just to appease their partner or stop a fight, but they didn’t really want to make the promise, may disagree, or feel it’s unfair,” Thorn said.

Second, partners don’t prioritize the promise. That is, if you promised to clean the bathroom, but you don’t consider how you’ll fit the cleaning into your schedule, and you don’t set reminders, you probably won’t follow through.

Third, the promise isn’t specific. This actually often leads partners to unintentionally break a promise, because both of you weren’t on the same page. For example, you ask your husband to manage his drinking better. But what does “manage” mean exactly? Because, as Thorn said, it could mean a million different things. It might mean everything from not drinking at all to not drinking when you’re out to drinking only one drink.

And, lastly, one of the most important reasons promises get broken is because the couple doesn’t work on them together. “Problems in relationships are never one-sided,” Thorn said.

This includes infidelity, too. “Affairs are always a symptom of a bigger problem(s),” which might include being rejected or not being respected. So if you want to stay together, saying, “it’s your problem, it’s your fault, and you’re the one who needs to clean up your act,” won’t fix the underlying disconnects or strengthen the relationship. Of course, infidelity is complex and creates a lot of pain, but it’s important for both spouses to work through it together.

In the drinking example, the couple would talk about how the husband can keep the promise and how the wife can support him (or what her role will be), she said. “Maybe they decide that him having one beer when he gets home from work is reasonable, and that the wife will do the same.” Or maybe she doesn’t drink, but can share her appreciation when she sees him keeping his promise.

Below, Thorn, founder of 4 Points Family Therapy in Sandy, Utah, shared additional suggestions for helping couples navigate promise making and promise keeping.

Pinpoint the specific promise. Let’s say your spouse promises to be nicer to your family. Again, what does this entail exactly? Does it mean calling and texting your family? Does it mean not making sarcastic jokes or bringing up certain touchy topics? Does it mean pitching in more at parties?

Set detailed goals and timelines. For example, a husband feels like his wife is more dedicated to work and the kids, and requests that she prioritize their relationship. According to Thorn, setting specific goals and timelines would look like this: scheduling a date for 5:30 p.m. every Friday night, and rotating who picks the activity and sets up childcare; and spending 15 minutes checking in with each other after the kids go to bed. The husband also agrees to communicate his need for connection more often, and the wife agrees to sincerely listen and try to understand, instead of getting defensive, she said.

In another example, if a partner promises to help around the house more, this might look like: “I will start doing the dishes after dinner, taking the garbage cans out on Thursdays, and picking weeds once a week.”

Bring up a broken promise—not matter how small. Thorn encouraged readers to be assertive with their partners around broken promises. “Let them know what promise you feel has been broken, why you view it as broken, how it made you feel, and what you’d like to see be different.” Also, make sure the promise feels reasonable and realistic for both of you, Thorn said.

Seek professional help. If you’ve done all of the above and promises continue to get broken, it’s time to see a therapist who specializes in working with couples. This is especially important when infidelity has occurred. Therapy can help you sort through and heal the hurts, identify the underlying issues and bolster your bond.

For instance, when Thorn works with couples, she helps them name what’s needed to repair the trust in their relationship. She asks each partner to share what the four elements of trust— honesty, dependability, consistency and transparency—mean to them, and to make requests based on their definitions. These are some requests partners make: “I want you to tell me if the person you say you broke things off with tries to contact you.” “I want you to tell me if you’re feeling detached from me.” “I’d like you to come home at the time you say you’ll be home.” “I’d like to be able to trust that I can talk to you without getting the affair brought up every time.”

Couples also learn healthy ways to navigate emotions and conflict, and commit to spending more time together.

Over time, broken promises, big or small, deplete a relationship’s bond. Knowing how to create promises and working on promises together can help to protect them. And if they’re still broken, seek counseling. As Thorn said, “Everyone has a limit to what they can take, and no one deserves to be in a relationship where they continually feel hurt, and that trust is violated.”

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Dyslexia and Entrepreneurialism: Is There a Connection?

Dyslexia is rather common: it is estimated that around 5-10% of individuals are dyslexic. Despite an apparent disability, some are famous, like Tom Cruise or Richard Branson. Obviously, they do not suffer from a lack of intelligence and are, in fact, quite successful in the business world. So what is going on in their brains? Are they developing some compensatory mechanisms that help them to do things better?

Epidemiological research studies indicate that dyslexics develop coping strategies to compensate for their weaknesses, which helps them in later life. The resilience that they acquire while in school often helps them to be more successful in developing a business, in being an entrepreneur.

Statistics show that there are twice more dyslexics among entrepreneurs when compared to the general population. However, dyslexics are uncommon in higher management. They also tend to have a different business management style. Thus, they do better in startups and are better at handling particular types of businesses.

Dyslexia is usually first identified when a child goes to school and struggles with scrambled text. Dyslexic children have difficulty in reading texts, interpreting them, and explaining the meaning of the text to others, even though they can be very intelligent otherwise. Dyslexia often results in poor academic performance, undue pressure, and psychological trauma. Each dyslexic child needs to learn to cope with these challenges.

Although dyslexic children are as intelligent as their peers at school, they are often labeled as less capable. Children with dyslexia are often targets of bullying in school. Poor self-image at school often leads to worsening of self-esteem in many of these kids. As helping dyslexic children is not easy, they are often left to themselves.

What’s Going On in the Dyslexic Brain? Neurological Basis of Dyslexia

As a common disorder, dyslexia is the subject of multiple studies. Researchers agree that those living with dyslexia may have differences in the brain relative to non-dyslexic children, and these differences are the subject of intense clinical research. The recent explosion in brain imaging technology is helping us gain a deeper understanding of the matter.

The neurological theory of dyslexia is one of the earliest. The theory was proposed about a century ago when British physicians Morgan and Hinshelwood described dyslexia as a “visual word blindness.”

The study of adults living with brain trauma in the left parietal region demonstrated that many of these people develop reading difficulties. They find it challenging to process the optical image of letters. Thus, the early theory was that those with dyslexia have developmental defects in the parietal region of the brain.

Left parietal involvement was also somewhat confirmed during pathological examination of the brains of those who died at an earlier age and were known to be dyslexic.

Another important theory focuses on delayed brain lateralization in dyslexia. It is thought that some people have weak or insufficient brain lateralization that hinders the understanding of languages. This theory was the subject of multiple studies in the second half of last century.

The latest research into the neurophysiology of those living with dyslexia seems to indicate that dyslexia is phonological in nature: dyslexics have difficulty in manipulating the phoneme parts of speech. It is possible that there are developmental issues in the visual tract or other visual mechanisms in the brain may be contributing to the difficulty.

Apart from defects in a specific subsystem of the vision pathway, researchers think that there are other brain developmental issues involved as well. It is entirely possible that people with dyslexia have temporal processing impairment, and therefore they are not able to process information fast enough. Thus, dyslexia is considered the result of multi-system deficits

In Conclusion

Dyslexia is probably the result of deficits in the brain at multiple levels. There is an impaired phoneme discrimination resulting in difficulty in understanding spelling. Visual perceptual impairment leads to further worsening of word recognition, and phonological awareness impairment causes speech disturbances. In the center of all this is delayed temporal processing. The end result is delayed speech development, difficulties in reading and comprehending texts, and poor academic performance.

What Makes a Dyslexic a Successful Person?

From Leonardo da Vinci to Einstein, children with learning disabilities prove that there is a limited link between disability and intelligence. Children with dyslexia are at least equally intelligent to non-dyslexic children.

The higher success of individuals with dyslexia in certain professions is probably the result of resilience or compensatory mechanisms that they cultivate during the school days to overcome their difficulties.

Some of these kids may develop better skills for interacting with others. They may focus more on specific arts or sciences. Many of them may not concentrate on studies and instead start doing business at an early age. This means that they can be found in any profession, and in the long run they are equally successful.

The compensatory mechanisms developed at a young age may provide an edge over others in specific areas when the children grow up. Even though dyslexics may score poorly in school, they may outscore other children in practical life since they spend more time perfecting their verbal skills.

As an entrepreneur, dyslexics are known to be good at delegating tasks, they are excellent mentors, and they are often creative. All of these qualities usually make them more successful entrepreneurs, though they may not be that good in roles where there is less space for creativity.

Achieving success with dyslexia is perhaps about learning different skills, mastering different approaches to solving the tasks, and developing strategies to compensate for certain limitations.

References

Habib, M. (2000) The neurological basis of developmental dyslexia: An overview and working hypothesis. Brain, 123(12), 2373–2399. 10.1093/brain/123.12.2373

Locke, R., Scallan, S., Mann, R., & Alexander, G. (2015) Clinicians with dyslexia: a systematic review of effects and strategies. The Clinical Teacher, 12(6), 394–398. 10.1111/tct.12331

Logan, J. (2009) Dyslexic entrepreneurs: the incidence; their coping strategies and their business skills. Dyslexia, 15(4), 328–346. 10.1002/dys.388

Logan, J. (2018) Analysis of the incidence of dyslexia in entrepreneurs and its implications.

Toffalini, E., Pezzuti, L., & Cornoldi, C. (2017) Einstein and dyslexia: Is giftedness more frequent in children with a specific learning disorder than in typically developing children? Intelligence, 62, 175–179. 10.1016/j.intell.2017.04.006

Yu, X., Zuk, J., & Gaab, N. What Factors Facilitate Resilience in Developmental Dyslexia? Examining Protective and Compensatory Mechanisms Across the Neurodevelopmental Trajectory. Child Development Perspectives, 0(0). 10.1111/cdep.12293

This guest article originally appeared on the award-winning health and science blog and brain-themed community, BrainBlogger: Are Dyslexics More Entrepreneurial?

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How Busy People Bolster Their Bonds with Their Partners

You have a demanding career that requires a lot of your time and energy. So does your spouse. Maybe one of you—or both—travels for work. Maybe you’re also parents, and you also like to golf, practice yoga, take painting classes or play soccer, which you do separately.

It’s cliché, but true: Many days you’re two ships passing in the night.

But that doesn’t mean that your relationship has to suffer. You can find ways to reconnect and even strengthen your bond. Here’s how other individuals, who too live busy lives, do just that.

They have date nights and days. “I believe that the best way to stay connected in your marriage is through consistent and intentional action, and you should never underestimate the power of planned spontaneity,” said Anna Osborn, LMFT, a psychotherapist who owns a group private practice in Sacramento. She has a recurring monthly reminder in her calendar to have date nights with her husband. As parents to 6-year-old boy/girl twins, she and her husband, the branch manager of a security company, have their hands full.

Date nights also are crucial for Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, and her husband. Hanks owns a therapy practice with two locations in Utah. Her husband is a CFO for a real estate company, and has a volunteer job at their church, which takes about 10 hours each week. Together they have four children, ages 11 to 27, three of whom live at home and take music lessons and play sports.

“We go out one or both of the weekend nights to dinner and a movie, a play, or concert and have fun together. Sometimes we go out alone, and sometimes we go out with friends,” Hanks said.

Healthcare attorney Lori Mihalich-Levin, JD, and her husband Jason Levin, a career coach, also have morning and middle-of-the-day dates. For instance, one year, while their now 5- and 7-year-old sons were at daycare, they celebrated Valentine’s Day with breakfast at a French restaurant. This year they savored a romantic lunch at a local seafood spot.

They are strategic about the day to day. Mihalich-Levin and her husband have a weekly meeting every Saturday night “to consolidate the chaos in our lives and take care of the administrative stuff all at once.” During the week, they put anything important into a “Saturday basket,” such as bills, forms, field trip permission slips. Then they address anything that’s inside the basket during their meeting.

They also talk about who will step in each day if the kids get sick. They map out their schedule for the rest of the week and month. And they share their favorite “mindful moments,” which inspires them to focus on the good in life.

They delve deeper. Every other Friday night psychotherapist Chris Kingman and his wife, a social worker, get a sitter for their 5- and 2-year-old daughters. This is their time to “work on the relationship, to discuss hard stuff, to review family finances, to process complex challenges, to check in, to give and get support, etc.,” said Kingman, LCSW, who specializes in individual, couples and group therapy.

They take each other’s needs seriously. One way Kingman and his wife care for each other’s emotional needs is by giving sincere compliments about specific behaviors. Which he noted is “very good for the soul of the relationship as we all have the (emotional) need to be ‘seen’ for the ways in which we are good, kind, productive, helpful, etc.”

Also, when one of them is upset, the other provides support by listening and comforting. Plus, they both regularly acknowledge how exhausting family life can be, and check in to make sure each partner has had enough alone time—and help out if they haven’t.

They have small, sweet rituals. Every morning, Osborn and her husband talk about one challenge that each of them will face during that day. Then when they see each other in the evening, they make sure to discuss how they’re doing and how it went.

Hanks and her husband always hug and kiss each other when one of them is leaving and when they see each other again.

Mihalich-Levin and Levin eat breakfast and dinner with their boys almost every day, “something we’ve really prioritized.” Mihalich-Levin’s husband also picks her up at the metro after work, which gives them some time together before picking up the kids.

They prioritize compassion. Kingman and his wife have a key mantra in their relationship: “compassion and boundaries.” That is, they practice compassion with their own flaws and with each other’s flaws, while also remaining accountable. For instance, Kingman tends to act like an absent-minded professor. “It can be quite annoying for [my wife], but rather than be critical, she accepts that it’s an involuntary response of mine to the overwhelm of everyday life…So she will point it out and let me know it doesn’t feel good to her when I’m ‘checking out,’ but without attacking or shaming my bad habits.”

They plan for the future (in a fun way). Twice a year Mihalich-Levin and her husband have annual planning and retreat days. We “map out longer-term goals and plans, and take a little time for ourselves—massages, anyone?” she said.

For instance, they mark off the days school will be closed and figure out who will stay home and what their backup childcare will be. They outline family visits and a big vacation. They also explore three powerful questions: one thing they’re proud of; a mistake they made and what they learned; and one story they’re relinquishing before the new year.

(You can learn more on Mihalich-Levin‘s excellent website Mindful Return, which helps moms and dads traverse the uncertain terrain of working parenthood.)

Having a healthy, close relationship amid a hectic, responsibility-filled life is absolutely possible. The key is to be thoughtful about it. Plan for it, and get creative. Think of your time together as vital and precious. Because it is.

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Best of Our Blogs: July 13, 2018

Summer is a wonderful time to catch up on reading. Right now, I have five books vying for attention on my nightstand including Lynn Dannheisser and Jerry Rosenbaum, M.D.’s What’s Wrong With Me? The Frustrated Patient’s Guide to Getting an Accurate Diagnosis. If you’ve ever felt frustrated or labeled, “hypochondriac” or anxious by a doctor, then you might want to read it too.

But I’m curious to know what you’re favorite health books are. Tell me what you’re reading currently or share your perennial favorites. I’m always looking to add more great books whether fiction or nonfiction to my list.

Healthy Ways to React to Common Toxic and Manipulative Words
(Psychology of Self) – The next time he or she throws hurtful words at you, you’ll be prepared and protected.

Independence: 3 Steps to Get Respect
(Anger Management) – You struggle with your relationships and career. It may have to do with this.

Boredom When Caring For Young Children Can Mask A Deeper Issue. Does This Apply To You?
(The Good Daughter Syndrome) – Does feeling bored with your kids make you a bad mom? Try this exercise and you might be surprised by what it reveals.

Talking About Your Past: Does It Help?
(Therapy Soup) – Not all reflection is beneficial for healing. Here’s when diving into your past can affect your ability to deal with the present.

Are Your Hitting Your Losada Line of Happiness?
(Leveraging Adversity) – It turns out you don’t need to completely get rid of negative emotions or be immersed in positive ones to be happy. You just need this.

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